


Those Bonds We Make

by PrudenceKimberly



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-08 18:30:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5508293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrudenceKimberly/pseuds/PrudenceKimberly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Olivia Benson was fierce. She was a force to be reckoned with. She never showed any weakness, always rode out the toughest of storms. What happens when her worst nightmare comes true? How will she bounce back? Will she finally accept help? Or will her need to protect her daughter win over? AU where Savina grew up with Olivia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to DIck Wolf and NBC, except for Savina and any other original characters. I merely own the plot and any new characters; Savina, Sam, Diana, Mason, Demetri

It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the cold winter breeze was slowly giving way to the nice, chilled air of spring. The city that never sleeps was sunny on this particular morning, a nice change from all the gloomy, grey mornings they've been having lately. The parks were filled with people, the sounds of their chatter filled the air, mixed in with the laughter of children, and the occasional barking of a dog. People were out and about, enjoying the peaceful morning, and the city's streets buzzed with traffic. And it wasn't even ten yet.

The Benson residence was an exception, with both occupants still residing within its walls. Olivia had been up for about an hour, and had just gotten out of the shower. She took her time this morning, enjoying the relaxing stream as it washed away the exhaustion of the week. She took her time with her hair, her time washing down her body. And when she was done, she just sat down, and let the water massage her aching muscles. She finally emerged from the bathroom about half an hour later, deciding to leave some hot water for the other brunette in the house. At the thought of said brunette, she found her feet carrying her over to her room. She had barely seen her all week, with it being finals at school, the teenager barely had enough time to breathe. And with how crazy things were at SVU, she was usually home after she had already gone to sleep.

She chuckled softly at the sight that greeted her, her teenaged daughter was sprawled out on the bed, the covers at her feet, and both her arms tucked up under the pillow. Her hair was a lighter shade than Olivia's – the only thing she inherited from her father – and it was splayed onto the pillow, with a few strands covering her face.

Savina, her fourteen year-old high school freshman, her pride and joy….her little girl. Olivia often found herself wondering how she had gotten so lucky. Not only was Savina an easy child, and thankfully a teenager who managed to stay out of trouble, but she was her own personal miracle.

* * *

_It had been a gruesome couple of weeks, and everybody was drained. A serial rapist had started striking in Harlem, and in two weeks, had already left ten victims. Two of which were still in the hospital fighting for their lives after the beating he gave them. He was a particularly evasive one; he didn't have a certain type, with his victims ranging from blondes to brunettes. No specific race; Latinas, African-Americans, Anglo-Saxons, no one was spared. He also didn't have a specific time, nor a comfort zone, so it made surveillance pretty difficult. The only thing the girls had in common, were the age group. They were all in their mid-twenties._

_A break in the case came, when one of the victims recognized another, and said that she may have known her when they were young. A thorough exploration of their childhoods, revealed a fencing camp. And after asking the other victims, it turned out that at some point in time, each of the girls had gone to a specific fencing camp. The suspect was the son of the grounds keeper, who apparently had stalking issues._

_They had found his residence, and went to interview him, but he fled as soon as he saw them. And she found herself and Elliot in pursuit. He was exceptionally fast, and she was starting to realize the disadvantage of formal attire. What's wrong with wearing jeans to work?_

_The suspect rounded a corner, and she followed him, and in retrospect, she should've been more cautious. She didn't see it coming till it was too late, and she felt something hard connect forcefully with her stomach. She fell to the ground, a wave of nausea suddenly hitting her, and she groaned, her arms wrapped around her midsection. Luckily enough, the rapist was stupid enough to stick around, and try to land another swing, giving Elliot enough time to catch up with her. She couldn't really make out the words anymore, things were getting blurry around her, the sounds nothing more than distant echoes, as the pain became too much to bare. She tried to move onto her back, but the pain was too much. The last thing she remembered was Elliot's face swimming into view, before it all went black._

_She woke up to the sound of rhythmic beeping, and a sting in her arm. She tried to move, but the pain in her midsection came back with a vengeance, and she found herself groaning in pain._

" _Try not to move, Liv," Elliot instructed gently._

_She pried her eyes open, already frowning at the tone of his voice. It wasn't the usual concerned tone she was used to from him, he was holding back something. And when her eyes focused again, she saw held back tears in his eyes, but they were happy._

" _El," she crocked, her hand subconsciously moving to her stomach. "What happened?"_

" _He hit you in the stomach with a wooden log, you're in the hospital," he replied gently._

" _How long have I been out?" she asked, wincing in pain._

" _About two hours, the blow was pretty bad. You have a bruised spleen and kidney…" he trailed off, and Olivia immediately knew something was up. She knew Elliot well enough to know when he's keeping something from her._

" _What is it El? What aren't you telling me?" she demanded weekly._

" _When did you break up with Henderson?" he inquired instead._

_She frowned at the question, not entirely sure what that had to do with anything._

" _About a month ago. Why? What does he have to do with anything?"_

_Elliot sighed, he had spent the past two hours trying to figure out a way to tell her the news. And despite coming up with a few scenarios, one of which was to wait for the doctor to tell her – but figured that would freak her out, rather than keep her calm - any other scenario seemed to evaporate from his mind. He took her hand into his, and decided that being blunt is the way to go._

" _Liv, you're pregnant."_

* * *

It had been the shock of her life, she hadn't been serious with Henderson, and never thought of having a child with him. She'd always dreamt of being a mother, but she thought she'd need to be in a stable relationship first. It had taken her a few moments of silence, but when the words finally sank in, the tears came as well. Elliot had thought she was unhappy, but when her face broke into a tearful smile, he realized they were tears of joy.

The pregnancy had gone smoothly, with the exception of the bleeding she had after talking with Henderson. He had flatly told her to get rid of the baby, and when she refused, he signed away his parental rights, which was fine by her. The biggest scare she had was when she went into labor in the middle of a storm when the phone lines were down, and she was in the street. She had given birth at a church – which was quite ironic considering her mother never believed, and therefore never really raised her as the religious type – but the possibility of a complication terrified her. Her heart was racing, both from the pain, and the fear. The sweat that was trickling down her face and neck was not just from the pushing, but also terror. What if something went wrong? What if she got stuck? What if she wasn't breathing? What if she was too small?

All of that was immediately forgotten once the loud cry pierced through, and they gave her the baby after cleaning her up. The tears were already flowing, and she was madly in love. She cradled the baby close to her chest, her soothing voice mixing in with the baby's wails. She rocked her gently, smiling tearfully when the baby seemed to snuggle into her warmth, as her cries slowly died down. The tears flew harder at the sight of the big brown eyes, the way her tiny fingers had wrapped around her own. She had stayed like that for hours, cradling her, cooing, whispering declarations of love, and promises into her ear. She hadn't even realized that the storm had passed, until one of the nuns came and told her that they had called for an ambulance.

And there they were, fourteen years, and some pretty hairy situations later. Olivia couldn't have been prouder of her, she had managed to get a scholarship to one of the top high schools in Manhattan, and was not only keeping it, but also, kicking butts and taking names. Olivia couldn't deny that she made many mistakes along the way, but she was happy that she had managed to keep most of the promises she made that night.

She closed the door behind her, and switched the TV on. She figured she'd wait for her to wake up, and they can catch a late breakfast, or brunch at their favorite bistro. She had barely seen her all week, SVU had her swamped, and Savina had finals. So she usually made it home after she had already gone to bed, and would only see her shortly in the mornings before they both head out. She of course called her many times throughout the day, and made sure she aced her tests, but she hadn't spent any quality time with her in about two weeks.

About half an hour later, she heard the door click behind her, and she craned her neck around, chuckling softly at the sight of a sleep-walking Savina shuffling out of the room. She smiled brightly at her, as the latter basically dove onto the couch, head nestling into her stomach, the rest of her body snuggling as close as possible to her own.

Even though Savina was fourteen, she still acted like a four year-old sometimes, and it always brought a smile to Olivia's face. She knew that her job was hard on her daughter, she saw the slight panic in her eyes every time she would come home with a bruise or a gash, the guilty relief she felt whenever an officer died that wasn't her. Savina usually clung to her after any crime sprees against cops, and she never really complained. The crazy and demanding nature of what she did meant that she couldn't spend as much time as she wanted with her daughter, so she always savored any alone time they both had.

"Morning, sweetheart," Olivia greeted softly, her fingers brushing through the long locks. "Or more like afternoon," she added teasingly, when all Savina did was snuggle more into her.

That managed to get a response out of Savina, and she pulled back slightly to look at Olivia. "It's really that late in the day?" she croaked out groggily, and Olivia nodded. "It's almost noon."

Savina rubbed her eye to get rid of the last remnants of sleep, but made no sign of actually getting up. "I guess my body decided that being awake was overrated!" she quipped and Olivia chuckled.

"I know how you get during finals, so I'm sure you hardly slept during this past week. I'm glad you finally got some last night. You were out by the time I was home."

Savina smiled sheepishly at her. "Yeah, sorry about that. I tried to stay up, but I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open," she apologized.

Olivia bent down and kissed her temple. "You have nothing to be apologize for, baby."

Savina smiled lovingly at her, and Olivia's heart melted – like it always did – when she saw the absolute adoration in her little girl's eyes. It still amazed her that even as a teenager, Savina never lost the look of unconditional love she always gave her as a kid. She had lost count on how many times that look was the one thing that brightened her day, how many times it pulled her back from dark rabbit holes, how many times it kept her going. She did it all for her, the perps she put away, the pedophiles she came down hard on, the rapists she made sure were off the streets…it was all for her, to make it safer for her. Her worst nightmare was her baby's face getting plastered on the board in her squad room.

"What do you say we go catch a late brunch at Marco's, and just walk aimlessly around the city?" she suggested gently.

Savina sighed, and she saw a look in her eyes that she knew all too well. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"I know you probably wanna go out, but I was kinda hoping for a lazy day in. You know, movie, pop-corn, lounging about on the couch," she countered carefully. "You know, just the two of us," she added, shrugging her shoulders.

Olivia couldn't help but smile, her heart swelling at the gesture. She bent down to press yet another kiss to her temple, whispering her answer into her hair. "I'd love that. Sounds absolutely perfect."

* * *

An hour later found them both on the couch, Olivia had her feet resting on the coffee table, with one of the small cushions in her lap, with Savina's head on top. She had one arm resting lazily over her waist, while the other hand ran rhythmically through her wet hair. They had found a movie on Netflix, and were doing their traditional commentary routine.

The sound of Olivia's phone as it buzzed broke their concentration, and Olivia heard Savina sigh knowingly, as she reached for the remote to pause the movie. Olivia scowled when she saw Amanda's name, praying that it's not another case. But of course at the urgency in Amanda's voice, she sighed in frustration herself, as her apologetic gaze found her daughter's disappointed one.

"I'll be in in an hour," she said in frustration before she hung up. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

Savina smiled reassuringly at her. "It's alright, it's not your fault. Duty calls," she shrugged her shoulders, but Olivia could still see the disappointment in her eyes. "Can I hang out with Diana then?" she asked, and Olivia robotically nodded. "I'll clean this up before I go, you go get ready for work."

Half an hour later, Olivia emerged from her bedroom all ready for work. She was about to call out to Savina, when she heard her talking on the phone.

"Yeah, Amanda called her in urgently. So what do you wanna do?" she heard her say, and the disappointed tone in her voice broke her heart. She tried not to let Savina's tone get to her as she gathered her things, and made her way over to her room, just as she hung up.

"Hey, I'm heading out. You want me to drop you somewhere?" she wondered.

"No, it's alright. Diana will pick me up, she's already out, so…." She trailed off, and Olivia nodded.

"I'll try to be home as soon as I can, I promise," she promised, and she meant it, but unfortunately she knew that her job didn't always respect her promises.

Savina smiled. "I know, Mom. Just please be careful," she almost pleaded, and Olivia nodded, pulling her in for a hug, and pressed a lingering kiss to her head. "Always am, baby. I love you."

"Love you too, Mom."

And with that, Olivia rushed out of the apartment, before Savina saw the pain in her eyes. "This better be worth it, Rollins!" she growled as she made her way over to the elevator.


	2. Chapter 2

William Lewis turned out to be one of the worst perps they have ever met; he wasn't just ruthless, he was manipulative, cunning, arrogant, and a highly functioning narcissistic psychopath whose cruelty knew no bounds. The case kept getting more and more complicated with each passing second, taking a turn from bad to worse with every move they made. It had been nearly ten days since that peaceful Sunday morning, and they were all well beyond mentally drained. Olivia in particular was getting crankier than usual; not only was the case getting to her, but she hadn't seen Savina since that morning, and her team knew that when she's missing her little girl on top of a hard case, to keep their heads down and let the storm pass.

It was the week after finals, the week of projects and papers...D-Day as Savina called it. Every single deadline was during that week, so Savina didn't get up early, and Olivia always made it home after she had already gone to bed. So the only contact she's had with her, were the scattered phone calls throughout the day, and the soft kisses she pressed to her head as the latter slept soundly. She climbed into bed with her one night, and just lay there watching her sleep, and running her fingers through her hair. Savina had groggily opened her eyes, smiling sleepily at her mother, before she snuggled up to her, and fell right back to sleep. So Olivia's agitation wasn't just the case, she was starting a familiar decent into a rabbit hole that only one person had the ability to pull her back from...the one person she didn't have access to.

The cherry on top was when Lewis's defense attorney, Vanessa Mayer, proved that the DNA evidence was contaminated in the lab. Barba's face had turned red, and then blue, and then some other color Olivia had never seen before, as they all headed to the Judge's chambers to have it all out.

She slammed the phone, and sighed in both frustration and anger.

"Don't tell me the DNA is inadmissible?" Nick almost pleaded.

"Worse than that," Olivia sighed. "The judge in her infinite wisdom declared a mistrial," she added, her voice betraying the exhaustion, and how mentally drained she was.

"You gotta be kidding me?" Cragen exclaimed in shock.

"And it gets worse. He's out on bail!" Olivia continued.

"Bail? He doesn't have a pot to piss in?" Fin, always being the one to say it like it is, retorted.

"Vanessa, his legal aid attorney, posted his bond."

"This guy is beyond lucky!" Amanda stated in awe, a hint of anger lacing her words.

"We'll make a stronger case on retrial," Nick tried to offer up some shred of hope.

"If they even let Barba retry it; there's no DNA, there's no victim," Olivia shot back, her voice slightly cracking on the last word.

"Tell you what? Who wants to come with me, and just shoot the son of a bitch?" Rollins suggested.

"Rollins!" Cragen admonished.

"Don't worry, Captain, I'll take her out and get her something to drink," Fin interjected. "Anybody else while my wallet's open?" he added.

"Actually, I have plans," Nick told him.

"Gil and Cynthia?" Amanda wondered.

"Yeah."

"Good for you."

"Liv," Fin called, when she seemed to be trapped in a world of her own.

She looked at him for a split second, contemplating the idea of a drink. It would do her good, they would probably lament over the case for a little bit, before something in the bar caught their attention, and the conversation would take a turn. It was weird really, how they managed to vent to each other, even though the horrors they see, they see together. But her need to hold her child won.

"Ah, rain check. I've barely been home at all this week," she said truthfully. She just wanted to crawl onto the couch with a bowl of popcorn, a cheesy movie, and her little girl curled up against her. Though she knew she had some making up to do.

"Well, go home. Stay there, two days," Cragen ordered.

"Captain, that's….."

"Liv, that's an order," he interrupted, his tone leaving no room for arguments. "You show up for work, I'll have you arrested."

She knew he was serious, he _would_ arrest her. And despite the fact that she tried to protest, it was only halfhearted. The idea of spending two days alone was appealing, only if she managed to get on Savina's good side again. The last thing she needed was being in the bad books with Savina, and be stuck at home. That would definitely send her down the rabbit hole.

So she merely gave him a tight smile, and turned to pack the papers on her desk.

"You alright?" Nick asked, once Cragen left.

She kept shuffling the papers on her desk, trying to think of an answer. She pursed her lips together, before a frustrated huff escaped. "Not really."

"Wanna talk?"

She shook her head, her eyes glistening slightly with unshed tears of frustration. The same tight smile she gave Cragen making its way onto her face once more. "Not really."

"Just go home, make use of the days off. Spend some time with Savina, I know you barely saw her at all this week."

A humorless chuckle escaped her, as she ran her fingers through her hair in both anger, and frustration. "I don't think she'll be in a cuddling mood today," she whispered, almost brokenly.

Nick frowned at her, not entirely sure what she meant by that. "Don't tell me she decided she was too old for them?" he joked, in an effort to lighten the mood.

She shook her head, her eyes wandering to the framed picture of a smiling Savina on her desk. She remembered the day perfectly clear, they were in Rockefeller, skating and it started to snow. The entire squad had gone, even Barba – under protest, of course – and they all let go of the tension in their lives and just enjoyed each other's company. Nick was the one who snapped the picture, it was ironically of Savina and Barba. The last two she ever thought would end up in a framed picture on her desk. Barba knew how to skate, but Savina was a good figure skater, so she was trying to teach him some basic moves, when they both ended up sprawled onto the ice on their behinds. She had a radiant smile on her face, her eyes dancing with joy as the echo of her laugh rang in Olivia's ear.

"No, we fought earlier today," she finally breathed sadly. "She wanted to go catch a movie with her friends, and I said no."

Nick smiled sympathetically at her, not really knowing what to say. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked, and she shook her head sadly.

"Got it," he sighed, getting up. "I'll see you in a few, keep your head up," he said gently, patting her on the shoulder as he finally took his leave. She watched his retreating back, as her mind raced with ways to make it up to Savina. She had really pissed her off this time, and the thing was, Savina hadn't really done anything wrong. She just took out all the frustration, and exhaustion of the week on her.

She finally grabbed her coat, a plan and a speech in mind, and headed home.

The apartment was dark when she entered it, and she flicked the lights on in the kitchen, before throwing the keys onto the counter. She discarded her phone next to them, as she started to unpack the groceries she got. She figured Savina was hauled up in her room, earphones in her ears, as she either watched a movie or show, or listened to music. But at the sounds of the floor boards creaking, she looked up, figuring that Savina was trying to sneak back into her room, to avoid the confrontation. So she made her way around the counter, and into the living room.

"Savina, sweetheart, I know you're mad, but…" her appeal trailed off into nothing, at the sight before her.

William Lewis, the man whom they were trying to put behind bars for crimes the devil himself couldn't think of committing, was standing in the middle of her living room, pointing a gun at her.

"Welcome home, Detective Benson!" he sneered, and she gulped.

All thoughts and rationale went out the window at the sight of him, and only one thing remained….she had refused to let Savina go out with her friends, and now she may have led this sociopath straight to her little girl.

"Where's my daughter?" she croaked.

He flashed her a smile that made the blood in her veins run cold, pure evil shone bright in his eyes, and madness laced every word he said. "Oh, all in good time."


	3. Chapter 3

They stood in the living room, staring at each other, with the nozzle of the gun less than two inches away from her face. She had her eyes focused on him, her brain desperately trying to come up with ways out of this situation, while she strained her ears in an effort to hear anything that might indicate where Savina was, or what he had done to her.

He moved a little, revealing the chair behind him. It was empty, and it didn't look like it had been used to tie anyone to it before her, and that gave her some hope. She felt him yank the jacket off her shoulders, before he pressed the gun between her shoulder blades. "Start walking," he hissed in her ear, and she did. There really was no point in angering him, or defying him, when she still had absolutely no idea where Savina was. And it would be a very cold day in hell if she left without her daughter.

She saw the door to her room open, the bed made like she left it that morning. She sat in the chair when his angry voice filtered through her very loud thoughts, ordering her to do so. She waited for him to stand behind her, and pretended to be trying to see what he was doing, but in reality, she looked at her daughter's bedroom. Her heart sank when she saw the door closed, remembering how Allison Parker's neighbor described how she found her. _Oh God, no, please, not my baby._

"You know it's such a shame that I missed that precious little girl of yours, if I had been a lousy half an hour early, I would've caught her, and we would've had some real fun," he taunted, and she winced as the ropes dug into her flesh. But she couldn't help but breathe out in relief. She was safe, he didn't get her.

"But," he continued. "There's still time," he tantalized, and she wiped around to look at him, and saw him holding her phone up. "You're going to tell her to come home, that you changed your mind, and you want her home this instant," he ordered, as he went through her call log.

Olivia scoffed. "Lewis if you think I'm going to help you get your filthy hands on my daughter, think again!" she seethed.

A sickening smile graced his lips when an image of Olivia and Savina together lit up the screen when he pressed the call button. "If you don't do as I say, then she'll get to hear you die," he threatened, but she fixed him with a cold stare. "I don't care if you're gonna skin me alive, I'm not helping you get to her," she shot back, her voice unwavering.

Lewis snarled at her, pushing the gun into her neck as he pressed the phone to her ear, but she didn't back down. She held his gaze intently, her eyes shooting daggers at him, and she saw his eyes flash with anger when he saw the dead fast conviction in her eyes.

To her relief, the call went to voicemail, and Lewis hung up. "She's at that age, huh?" he asked. "Mom is too smothering, so I don't even bother with her calls."

She decided to play along, anything really to get his mind off of finding ways to get to Savina. "You know how teenagers are, they think they've figured it all out, and don't need our help."

"Well, she's what? Fourteen? She's bound to come home, probably in a couple of hours. I'm a patient man," he snarled, and Olivia gulped.

"She's out with my partner, Lewis. She won't come back on her own. If you leave now, you still have a chance of disappearing," she tried to stall him, stall what she knew he planned for her, tried to get him out of the apartment. She was caught between two hells; on one end, if she stalled too much, she risked Savina coming back from wherever she had gone, and falling prey to his games. And if she doesn't, then the gates of hell were about to open its gates on her. One look at the framed black and white picture of her and Savina in the church, taken right after she was born, and her mind was made up.

"You think I'm leaving without you, sweetheart?" he taunted. "Oh, no. I've got big plans for you."

He put the duct tape on her mouth, and before she knew it, there was a cigarette pressing into her skin, right under collar bone. The strangled scream she released was muffled by the duct tape, and she felt the tears sting her eyes behind her screwed shut lids.

* * *

_The door to the apartment opened revealing Serena, with a bunch of bags in her hands, followed by an exhausted-looking Olivia, cradling a softly gurgling Savina, swaddled in a pink blanket. The storm had raged on for a few hours after Olivia had given birth, and she had spent it with Savina in her arms. She fed her, repeatedly kissed her – forehead, tiny fingers clasped around her index, the pink round cheeks – sang softly to her, made countless promises, and mulled over millions of names before finally settling on Savina. Once the phone lines were back up, they called for an ambulance, and she called her mother. The matriarch Benson was non-too-pleased with the entire situation, repeatedly trying to convince Olivia to get an abortion, and later put the baby up for adoption. The pediatrician at the hospital thankfully told her that all was well with her newborn, and after the OB gave her the clear, they headed home._

_She gingerly walked over to the couch, and slowly sat down on it. She couldn't get her eyes off her little bundle of joy, and she hissed in pain slightly once she sat down. She watched her mother as she placed the bags of baby things the hospital gave her on the coffee table, before she turned her disapproving look on her daughter, and newborn granddaughter._

" _The nuns said you barely put her down since she was born," Savina scolded, and Olivia huffed in frustration. She hadn't slept all night, and was in no mood to be the level-headed grown up._

" _She's my_ _ **daughter**_ _," Olivia stressed the last part, and saw something flash across Serena's face at the hidden implication._

" _If you keep carrying her around like this, she'll get used to it, and you won't be able to put her down," she chastised._

" _Well, maybe I don't want to put her down," Olivia snapped._

" _You should get some sleep, call me if you need anything." And with that she took her leave, without so much as a congratulations, or even a glance at the newborn in her daughter's arms._

_Olivia looked down at the dozing infant, and smiled. It amazed her how the sight of her little girl brought inexplicable joy to her, made her heart swell with pure, unconditional love. She gingerly pulled herself off the couch, and walked over to her own bedroom, softly rocking the baby in the process. Once inside, she lay on her side, and carefully placed the now fast asleep infant next to her. Savina fussed a little, but when Olivia laid her palm on her chest, and softly hummed to her, she settled back down. "I promise you, I'll make sure no harm ever comes to you. I don't care if they cut me up cell by cell, I won't let anyone lay their hands on you," she vowed._

* * *

Savina was standing in line at the movies to get a refill of her popcorn to munch on for the ride home, when she decided to check her phone. She had switched it off when the movie began, partly to make sure that it doesn't ring and disturb her, and partly to delay the inevitable Armageddon her mother was sure to lay on her once she discovered she left without her permission.

To her surprise, she found no missed calls from her mother, and no texts at all. So maybe she wasn't even home yet, and there was still hope of avoiding a confrontation. It was a little past eight, and if traffic was good, then she should be home by nine. She was about to put her phone back in her pocket, when it rang. She frowned when she saw Fin's name written on the screen, before her heart dropped. She quickly answered the phone, the slight panicked tone not lost on Fin. And to her surprise, he sounded confused by it.

"Hey, I tried calling your mom a couple of times to check on her, but she's not answering. Is she alright?" she heard him say into the phone, and it only added to her confusion.

"Isn't she with you?" she wondered.

"Nah, Captain sent her home over an hour ago," he stated flatly, completely oblivious to the bomb he just dropped. "She's not with you?"

"No, I'm not home," Savina sighed in frustration. "Great, now I'm in trouble!" she mumbled.

"What'ya mean?"

"I asked her earlier today if I can go to the movies with Diana and the guys, and she said no, but I went anyways. I'm there right now! I was hoping to make it home before she does, and avoid a fight, but looks like that won't happen," she elaborated, her tone sounding as annoyed and frustrated as she felt.

"You might wanna take it easy on her, baby girl. The case went south today, and she was in a really bad place when I left her. And I only did, because she said she was gonna go home to you," Fin retorted softly.

That made Savina feel guilty, she not only disobeyed Olivia and broke her trust, but she was also nowhere to be found when her mother needed her.

"I'll head home right now, should be home in an hour."

* * *

Mason, the Castillo's driver, pulled up right under Savina's building. "Mason, do you mind waiting a bit? I really need to use the bathroom," Diana – who had drank like three cokes during the movie, and one on the way – practically whined. Mason merely smiled at her, and nodded, laughing when he saw her practically jumping out of the car, with Savina trailing behind, digging in her purse for her keys.

Savina fumbled with the keys for a few seconds in front of the door, while Diana looked like she was about to burst right next to her. "Sav, that little thing goes into the hole over there, and when you turn it, it opens the door," she quipped through gritted teeth.

"She's gonna kill me," Savina mumbled, as she finally unlocked the door, and pushed it open. The lights in the kitchen and living room were on, and it was enough for Savina to see the mess before her eyes. The apartment was tossed, chair lying on its side, the smell of burned flesh filled her nostrils, blood smeared the floor…it looked like a war zone.

Her chest started to heave, her feet glued to the ground as she took in the sight, her eyes darting frantically around the room for any signs of her mother. She was about to dart inside the apartment, but Diana held her back and practically dragged her away.

"Savina, you can't go in there. You don't wanna contaminate the evidence," she reminded her, her voice catching slightly at the idea of what it will do to Savina if something happened to Olivia. Savina was still struggling against her grip, and Diana –completely forgetting about her near bursting bladder – didn't budge, and held on tighter, gently easing them both to the floor when Savina's knees buckled beneath her.

"Try to breathe," she instructed, but it seemed that Savina's breaths were getting shallower by the second. She looked up at the sound of running feet, and saw her twin brother, Sam, along with Demetri – their friend – as well as the two detectives she recognized as the ones who worked with Olivia.

"The apartment is ripped apart," she informed them, as both Sam and Demetri fell to their knees by Savina's side, and the detectives looked inside. She heard the blonde as she called in the crime, and watched as the man –whom she assumed was Fin – crouch down in front of Savina.

"She's gone," Savina gasped brokenly, and he shook his head.

"We'll get her, baby girl. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

It was Thursday, she had already been in his hands two days. She was sure her entire squad was looking for her, but she also knew Lewis. She had been going over his previous crimes for nearly two weeks, she knew what he was capable of – and had just witnessed it first hand – and knew that he was a master at not leaving any clues behind. She had faith in her squad, knew beyond the shadow of the doubt that they will turn every rock until they find her. She just wasn't sure if she would be dead or alive by then. She wasn't even sure what she was hoping for anymore.

He had forced her to watch as he savagely raped Mrs. Mayer, burning her and cutting her if she closed her eyes, or turned her head. His vicious voice as he taunted her about her inability to save the older woman, or even protect her still rang in her ear. She didn't even know if the woman lived or not, not sure whether anyone would want to survive an attack like that. Hell…..she wasn't sure she wanted to survive herself any longer.

The cuffs dug into her flesh when he opened the door, she looked up at him through glazed eyes. No longer in focus, no longer clear. She was looking up at him through the pain she felt, the thirst, the images flashing before her eyes. But she wouldn't let him see her break, she won't give him the satisfaction. She may have had a momentary lapse in will, and thought that she would be better off if he killed her, but realizing that it would satisfy him, she quickly sobered up. And unbeknownst to him, he reminded her of what her death can do to the one person she swore would never cause pain.

She had stopped paying attention to his taunting words, until one word drifted through Mrs. Mayer's agonizing screams -that still rang in her ear - snapped her back to reality.

"You know I was thinking about Savina," he stated nonchalantly, as he pulled the bottle of vodka from the brown bag he had in his lap. She glared at him at the mention of her daughter's name, but in her current state, she couldn't hide the guttural reaction inside her. Her breathing became shallower, and her eyes softened slightly at the mention of her name. The ache in her heart no doubt shinning in her eyes. He smiled viciously at her when he saw the reaction Savina's name got out of her. "I was thinking about how fun it would've been if she had joined us," he taunted, and she struggled against her restraints. "But then I realized that this is probably for the best, this way I get to focus on you. And I gotta say, thinking about how scared she is, how I'm sure she's huddled up at the precinct crying her eyes out for you…" he trailed off. "I gotta say, it's much more exhilarating than I thought," he finished, popping his lips at the end joyously.

Once she was lying on the floor in the back once again, covered by that blue tarp, bound and duct taped, Savina's terrified face swam into view. Her big brown eyes shining with unshed tears, her breath shaky, her entire body trembling, her voice small and vulnerable. It wasn't a recent memory, but it was a day Olivia could never forget no matter how hard she tried. And try as she might, she couldn't push the memory aside now either.

* * *

_Olivia was exhausted, about ready to go home…..and it was barely noon. The groans of displeasure was getting louder and louder, as more and more paperwork piled up on each of their desks. Elliot was huffing and puffing, slamming files on the desk as he finished them one by one. She rolled her eyes as he complained for what seemed to be the billionth time, wondering for the umpteenth time what the point of all that bureaucracy and paper-pushing was. The phone on her desk started ringing, and as horrible as it was, a part of her wished it would be a case._

" _Benson," she almost snapped into the phone. Elliot raised one eye to look at her, and then frowned at the shocked expression on her face._

" _Liv?" he whispered, and her eyes cut to him, as the last name he expected her to say left her lips. "Jason!"_

_It took him a second to catch on to who Jason was, but when he did, he immediately tensed up, and instinctively puffed out his chest, and sat a little taller._

" _What do you want?" Olivia hissed into the phone. She still remembered his words when she told him that she was pregnant. 'Don't worry, Livy. I know a guy. He can take care of this, no questions asked. And no one will ever know!'_

_He had dared suggest that she get rid of the baby, that she would kill her unborn child. The smacking sound that rang in the apartment, when her hand made contact with his cheek had satisfied her to no end. She showed up one week later with the legal papers for him to sign away his parental rights. And had signed away any rights she had to ask for child support._

_The shocked expression on her face suddenly morphed into a more dangerous one, one that Elliot knew all too well. It's the one she always got whenever someone even so much as looked at Savina funny. "You signed away your rights to her, so_ _**stay** _ _away from her," she warned, her voice dangerously low. Which served to get the attention of both Munch and Fin, who abandoned their desks, and their own pile of paperwork, and made their way over to her desk._

_Suddenly, her lips started to shake slightly, as her mouth hung open, her eyes were wide and slightly dazed, as the tears sprung to her eyes. "Move one hair on her head, and I'll skin you alive," she threatened, her voice choked with both anger, and fear for her little girl._

_That got everybody to spring into action; Fin immediately rushed to his phone and demanded an immediate trace on Olivia's, Munch hit the speaker button after he signaled for the squad room to be quiet, while Elliot got to his feet and stood behind Olivia._

' _Whether I hurt her or not, Livy, is your choice!' he taunted, his voice filling the eerily quiet squad room. Elliot grabbed a pen and paper, and furiously scribbled something on it, as Olivia continued to talk to Jason, trying to keep him on the line long enough to get a trace._

" _What do you want?" she asked._

_He was silent for a few seconds, a few agonizingly long seconds, giving her enough time to see what Elliot had scribbled on the paper, when he slid it in front of her._

' _I'll call you in an hour with what I want,' his voice filtered through the speaker._

" _I want to talk to her," Olivia demanded – following Elliot's scribbled instructions- and he scoffed savagely._

' _I'm the want making demands here, Olivia, not you. Keep your squad of dogs off my trail, do as I say, and you might see your precious little girl again.' And with that, the line went dead, the detectives all sprang into action, and Olivia broke into heaving sobs._

_Three hours later, Elliot had already went to Savina's school, and discovered that Jason Henderson had impersonated a detective, and told the school that he was new to SVU, and that Olivia had sent him to pick Savina up. And since the school knew of Olivia's job, they didn't think twice about it, and released the girl to him. Fin had been hovering over TARU as they analyzed the phone call, looking for any clues. And Munch had gone around digging into Henderson's life, starting with the years after Olivia left him._

_As it turned out, at the time of Olivia's pregnancy, he was supposed to join this major corporation as their accountant, which was why he didn't want a baby. He didn't want any strings, didn't want the responsibility. But apparently, the company did some extensive background checks on him, and found out about Olivia and the baby. The owner of the company was a family man, and didn't feel like he would fit in with them. He had told him that if he can't even look out for his own child, why would the man trust him to look out for the company? And it all went downhill from there. The company that turned him down – Gruner Holdings – was a big name, and if you got turned down for a job there, it pretty much meant you were radioactive. He started working for a smaller firm, but since it wasn't what he had his eyes on, he quickly turned to drinking to drown out his disappointment, until he got fired. He did a string of jobs at many offices, all of which ended in dismissal, due to his alcohol problem. The most recent one was apparently a week ago, which Huang thought it might be why he decided to grab Savina. In his mind, if Olivia hadn't gotten pregnant, if that baby never existed, he would've had the life he always dreamt of._

" _So he's going after my baby because he's a drunken failure who couldn't get his act together?" she growled bitterly in disbelief._

" _He sees her as the one who ruined his life," Huang explained sorrowfully._

" _How far can we expect him to go?" Elliot asked. He was sitting next to Olivia on the couch in their break room, where they were all standing about._

" _He doesn't feel any sort of connection to her, he only sees the damage he thinks she's done to his life."_

_Olivia could relate to what he was saying, she was on the receiving end of that kind of rage her entire life at the hands of her own mother. She knew that absolutely nothing would stop him from hurting her baby, and the mere thought of standing in the morgue to identify her made her heart wrench. "Nothing's gonna stop him from hurting her."_

_Huang looked at her intently, it wasn't often that Olivia showed weakness, and it was never in front of this amount of people. It took a lot to shake her up like that. But she was never really faced with a situation where her own child was in danger. Her voice was uncharacteristically shaken, small, vulnerable, and the tears welling up in her eyes were streaming down her face without even a single protest from her, or even an intention to attempt to stop them._

" _I would tread carefully with him, don't try to anger him or defy him. If he feels like he's losing control, he might just kill her to prove to himself that he is. I'd do everything he says."_

_Huang didn't want to be so abrasive, but he really didn't have a way to sugar-coat this. Olivia buried her head in her hands, as the tears continued to fall._

" _We'll find her, Liv," Cragen soothed, but she shook her head helplessly._

" _TARU couldn't trace the call, he said he'd call in an hour, and it's been three. How are we gonna find her?" she whispered dejectedly._

" _He will call," Huang pipped up. "He's merely stretching the wait to assert his power over the situation. You get to wait this time, you get to feel what it's like to have something you worked so hard for taken away," he explained._

" _She's not an object, she's my_ _ **daughter**_ _," she stressed the last part._

" _Not to him. To him, she's merely an object. Something he can use to hurt you," he pointed out, and she smiled tearfully, almost whimpering. "The one thing that can destroy me," she corrected._

_Elliot opened his mouth to speak, but Fin ran up the stairs. He looked exhausted, but Elliot saw a gleam of hope in his eyes._

" _Please tell me you've got something," Elliot practically begged._

" _I think I do. TARU was going through traffic cams around her school, and caught the car he was in," he said, laying a print out of said car. His face wasn't covered, and Olivia saw Savina innocently sitting in the back seat. Her heart wrenched, but before she could dwell on it, Fin placed another picture on top of it. It was a blow up of the windshield of the car._

" _He's got an easy pass!" Olivia exclaimed, and Fin nodded. "Yeah, TARU couldn't get a serial off of it, but they managed to find him as he passed one of the toll-booths on his way to Brooklyn."_

" _Why Brooklyn?" Cragen wondered._

" _His parents died about a year ago, this is their car. The registration lists an address in Brooklyn. Munch is trying to find out what happened to their home right now."_

_And right on cue, Munch came running up the stairs, two at a time. "The house is foreclosed because he couldn't pay the mortgage, he's still fighting the bank over it, but it's empty. Same for half the houses on that block apparently."_

" _Perfect place to hide a kidnapped child," Elliot pointed out, before they all bolted out of the room._

_An hour later, found them and a response unit a couple of blocks away from the house in question. Cragen had thankfully had the presence of mind to take Olivia's gun from her before they left the precinct, otherwise she probably would've walked over to the house and stormed her way in._

" _We need to confirm that they're inside, and where he's keeping her. I'm not sending them in blind, I don't wanna risk injuring the girl," Captain O'Laughlin told Cragen who nodded._

_A hysterical Olivia was barely keeping it together, Elliot was body blocking her inside the van to keep her from running out the door. Just then, her phone rang, and she quickly fished it out. They all grabbed their head gears, and she picked up. "Benson."_

_A soft whimper reached her ears. "Mommy."_

_Her heart lunged, and she dropped to the chair behind her. She sounded absolutely terrified, and it was killing Olivia that she can't do anything about it._

" _Oh my God. Baby are you okay?" she asked tearfully._

" _I wanna come home. Please come get me," she pleaded through her tears, and Olivia was finding it very difficult to keep her own at bay._

" _I will baby, I promise. You'll be home in no time," she assured her, though her voice sounded a lot less certain than she would've wanted._

_A terrified shriek pierced her ears, followed by Savina's gut wrenching sobs, before a door slammed shut. "You shouldn't be making promises you can't keep, Livy. You know that!" he taunted._

_She wanted to bite his head off, wanted to tell him to leave her daughter and run away, to pray that she never gets her hands on him, or he will know the true meaning of hell. But she remembered Huang's words, and she bit it all back. She couldn't risk her little girl's life._

" _Leave her alone, Jason. She has nothing to do with this, your problem is with me," she tried to reason, but he scoffed._

" _Au contraire, my dear. You and I broke on amicable terms, but if_ _ **she**_ _hadn't existed, my life wouldn't have gone to hell," he yelled angrily._

_Just then, the trace came back, and it did confirm that they were indeed inside the house his parents owned._

" _If she hadn't been in the picture, I would've gotten that job at Gruner, and it all would've been okay. But_ _ **she**_ _had to ruin it all!" he barked._

" _I'm the one who decided to keep her, she didn't have a hand in her conception, or what decisions I made. You want someone to blame, put it all on me. I'm the one who got pregnant. You know I've always wanted to be a mother. I saw a chance and I took it," she was flat out lying by now, but she didn't care. She figured if she shifted the blame onto herself, he might agree to let Savina go, in exchange for her._

_But before he could open his mouth to say something, she heard a commotion on the other end._

" _NO!" she heard him scream, before the line went dead. She was about to redial the number, when the sound of a gunshot echoed through the nearly deserted neighborhood. She froze, rooted to her spot, watching in a daze as the response unit made their way over to the house, along with Fin, Elliot and Munch, all with their guns drawn. She jumped out of the van, but Cragen held her in place, and that seemed to snap her out. Her entire body started to tremble uncontrollably, as she shook her head repeatedly, before her agonized wail echoed. She struggled against Cragen's arms, but he seemed to have an iron grip on her. He was talking but she wasn't really paying attention. She watched as they all made their way to the house, frowning slightly when she saw Fin leaving the group, and ducking behind a large dumpster. She was even more shocked when Elliot and Munch stopped as well, and seemed to be covering Fin._

_She saw him come out from behind the dumpster, holding something tightly in his arms, as he bent over it, and used his own body as a shield from whatever danger could come from the house. She saw a small hand clutching his flank jacket; small, slender legs dangling from his arms; his large hand cradling something to his chest, as the light-brown ponytail flung around as he ran._

_Her breath seemed to be getting shallower, and more ragged by the second as her chest heaved. Her heartbeat was so loud, she not only could hear it in her ear, but suspected that everybody else could. Fin quickly made his way towards the barricades, and she was terrified that when he reached them, she'll realize that he's carrying a dead body._

_But when he did, she finally saw them. Those beautiful, big brown eyes that mirrored her own, red and puffy from the tears, wide with fear. Her cheeks red and tainted with tear-tracks, as new ones continued to flow down. Her lips were trembling in fear, and her arms immediately let go of Fin, as she flung them around her neck. She robotically took the girl from Fin, her arms wrapping protectively around her, as she felt Savina bury her face into her neck. She had been terrified to believe that she was alive, terrified to believe her own eyes, afraid that her brain was merely playing tricks on her. But when she felt her daughter's weight in her arms, how tight those small arms and legs wrapped around her, felt the hot tears against her neck…she finally allowed herself to believe. Her little girl was alive._

_She fell to her knees, one hand cradling the back of Savina's head, as she pressed her mouth into her hair. Her own tears now streaming down her face, as she tried to reassure the sobbing five-year old in her arms._

* * *

She still had nightmares about that day, Savina was only gone for a few hours, and she nearly lost it. The mere thought that she was going to lose her, terrified her. It had always been a fear of hers; that one day her own child's face would be plastered onto their crime board. She thought about how terrified Savina was that day, how she clung to her for nearly two weeks after. And as much as she hated it, she realized that Lewis was right…..her little girl was probably losing her mind right now, her mind conjuring up all the worst case scenarios, probably scared that she will have to bury her own mother. Lewis may have thought that using Savina, and reminding her of what this was doing to her little girl might break her…..but it backfired. It gave her the strength to fight, the strength to survive….it gave her the boost she needed to try and think of a way out. She wouldn't let him have his win. She won't let him take her away from her child. She won't help him realize her daughter's worst nightmare.


	5. Chapter 5

It was over…it was finally over…..the nightmare she had been living for the past four days finally came to an end. She broke free….she got out….he thought he broke her – and in a way he did – but he didn't break her enough that she'd given up. On the contrary, the idiot gave her the final push she needed when he coaxed that little girl into the house, especially when he drew the parallels between her and Savina.

" _Little Louisa is terrified….and why wouldn't she? She's six," he taunted. "I can tell she's gonna be a stunner….if she lived," he continued, smiling viciously when he saw her struggling against her cuffs. "I saw a picture of Savina at your place, she looked to be about the same age as Louisa," he tantalized. "She looked happy, genuinely giddy as she smiled at the camera. That radiant, carefree smile of a child…..I wonder if she'll ever smile like that again."_

That had been the final push for her, she taunted him long enough to break the rod free from the bed, and swung it at him. She thought about shooting him, but decided that it would be letting him off the hook too easily. She wanted him to suffer, to know what it feels like to be locked up, cut off from the world, completely helpless. She hadn't planned on beating him to the brink of death, but he taunted her, played on every nerve she ever had, struck every cord, exposed all the wounds she had spent years hiding.

She screamed with each blow, her voice becoming more and more primal with each swing. The sounds of bones cracking mixing in with the sounds of the blows, drowned out by her own cries. She broke down in tears next to him, watching as the blood slowly seeped from his veins and onto the floor. She studied him, cuffed to the bed, head rolled back, covered in blood, withering in pain before he went still. He didn't look so threatening anymore, didn't seem so dangerous. He looked like a wounded animal, and she was the hunter who was waiting for her prey to take its last breath.

Nick was leading her through the house now, a heavy blanket wrapped loosely around her as they headed for the door. She squinted when the light hit her eyes, Nick's voice filtering through her very loud thoughts as he told her that it was over. She saw ESU looking at her, people shaking their heads in sadness, in pity. She wanted to crawl into some hidden corner and crumble.

"He's still alive," Fin informed them, and she gaped at him.

"I don't know how," she confessed, her voice shaken, weak….broken. And she hated herself for showing weakness, hated that everyone was looking at her like she was a victim now.

"You did what you had to do," he said matter of factly.

She nodded hesitantly at him, as he now held her other arm, and together with Nick, led her to a waiting squad car. They helped her into the back seat, and she was surprised when Amanda slipped in on the other side. Fin got into the driver's seat, and Nick got into the passenger one, before Fin practically floored the car out of there. She was grateful that they didn't stuff her in the back of an ambulance, she didn't want the EMTs hovering over her, she didn't want to be patronized, to be babied, to be treated like a victim, like she was broken. She let her head fall against the back of the seat, and got lost inside her own head, as she watched the passing traffic. The sudden, sharp and insistent ringing of a phone made her jerk, her head whipping around in slight panic at the sudden sound. Amanda smiled apologetically at her, as she answered. Olivia simply turned her head back towards the window with the full intention of spacing out again.

"Munch," she said into the phone, before her mouth fell open slightly in shock. "Savina," she amended, and that got Olivia's attention. She focused on the ongoing conversation, and saw Amanda's shocked expression morph into one of confusion. "Honey, just calm down a little. I can't understand what you're saying," she instructed gently, and Olivia's heart ached. She knew Savina was probably sobbing on the other end, which was why Amanda couldn't understand her.

"Dead?!" Amanda almost squeaked, her head whipping around, and catching Olivia's equally confused gaze. "Honey, please calm down. She's alive, I promise," she soothed, but it seemed to be of no avail.

"You hesitated, Manda," Fin interjected softly, reaching behind him, and signaling for her to hand him the phone. Amanda, now at a total loss about what to say to calm down the hysterical teenager, handed him the phone, and he quickly pressed it to his ear.

"Vina," he called gently. "Baby girl, just calm down. I promise you she's fine," he chanted, his voice calm and leveled. "When have I ever lied to you?" he retorted gently, and Olivia was torn. On one hand, she desperately wanted to calm her down, to soothe her fears, to assure her that she was alive. But on the other, she couldn't handle hearing the pain in her voice. She was scared it might be the final push, that it would break her. She was desperate to hold her, and wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her, to feel her warm embrace around her injured body.

" _What's that look?" he asked, his teeth slightly gritted, and she merely looked at the ceiling. "You feeling sad?" he continued, tauntingly. "You miss her, don't you?" he wondered, and she struggled against her cuffs. "Thinking about the last time you held her? The last time you spoke to her? Her voice echoing in your head? Her smiling face flashing before your eyes?" he listed viciously, smiling devilishly at the emotions showing in her eyes and on her face. She was far too exhausted to be able to school her features, to hide the pain in her eyes. She was trying to hold on for her little girl, but with every minute she spent with him, she wondered if she'll be better off without her. If she'll be better without a broken mother. She knew what it was like to have one, a mother-figure passing through your life. You wake up every day wondering which side you're gonna get; the caring mother, or the broken one. Her mother drowned her vulnerability in alcohol, and she wondered if she'll do the same. Or if she'll just retreat into her own shell._

_She remembered Captain Harris. What he almost did to her. He never actually raped her, and neither did Lewis – so far that is – but it had traumatized her nonetheless. She remembered going home after finally arresting him for sexual assault. Melinda had told her that she tested Savina – who had fallen sick the day she went under, making Elliot believe it was the same form of TB that was going around the prison – and that she was cleared, but had was still sick at home with Katrina. Savina was asleep when she got home, knocked out on the couch in the living room with a throw, and her duvet tucked around her. Her face was flushed, and a thin layer of sweat glistened at the hairline. She fell to her knees beside her, one hand softly stroking her hair back, as the other one went around her body._

_And eerily enough, that was the last time she held Savina before she headed to court that cursed Tuesday as well. She had walked into her room, and found her sleeping peacefully, with the window cracked open. She was wrapped around a pillow that she hugged close to her chest, her face half buried in it. She had sat there for a few minutes, watching her sleep, her hand involuntarily moving to stroke her hair gently away from her face, before her arm snaked around her back, and she leaned up to press a lingering kiss to her temple. She rested her head on top of hers for a moment, enjoying the feeling of her breath against the crook of her neck. Her mind wandering to all the nights Savina slept on her chest. She was immensely proud of her little girl, but she missed the little things that she could no longer do due to her age._

She looked at Amanda when she felt her hand on her arm, snapping out of the memory. "Do you want her to meet us at the hospital? Or do wait at the station?" she asked.

"Hospital," came her immediate, hoarse answer.

* * *

She was leaning on Amanda, with Nick and Fin flanking behind her. The hospital entrance was swarming with cops, almost as if half the force were there. She felt vulnerable, exposed, naked. She knew she was fully clothed, that they can't really see any of the various scars he left on her body, or her soul. But she hated the looks in their eyes, the sympathy, the pity, the sadness, the victimizing looks.

A doctor and a few nurses rushed towards her, one of them was pushing a wheelchair, but Olivia shook her head when they tried to ease her into it. They kept walking, as they guided her towards the elevators. She was sure the doctors were explaining things to her, things that she knew by heart, procedures that she had explained to hundreds of women before. She knew them by heart…..she just couldn't believe that they were being explained to her.

' _Why did I survive?!'_ she couldn't help but think.

"Fin!"

The frantic voice filtered through her very loud thoughts, and her heart ached. Her voice was small, shaken, heavy with held back tears and fear, dread filling it…..she sounded scared….terrified even…she sounded like the five year old who was taken by a strange man, who was pleading with her to come get her.

She turned around, but her view was partially blocked by Nick's body, and she guessed it must be completely blocking Savina's, because she saw how wild her eyes were, as the sound of her feet stomping on the hallway floor as she ran reached her ears. Nick moved towards her, raising his hands to halt a frantic Savina from barreling into Olivia. Though it seemed unnecessary, since Savina froze in her tracks when her eyes landed on Olivia anyways. They held each other's gazes, Savina's terrified and disbelieving ones, holding Olivia's exhausted and pained ones.

Olivia's uninjured arm shakenly reached for her, but she was not within reach. Nick still had his arms out preparing to catch her if her knees gave out.

"It's okay, baby," she whispered, signaling with her hand for her to come closer, but she seemed to be glued to the spot.

Fin gently placed his hand on her arm, and pulled her towards Olivia's awaiting arm. Once she was a bit closer, Olivia hesitantly moved the injured arm, wincing in pain when her ribs screamed in protest at the movement, but she ignored them. The pain in her heart was more pressing than her ribs…..she wanted her baby…..no, she _needed_ to hold her baby. She needed to feel anything other than self-loathing, something other than lust in a touch. Fin practically maneuvered Savina into her arms, her arms slowly wrapping around her injured body. Her injured hand lay limply on her shoulders, as the other one carded into her hair, and cradled the back of her head against her shoulder. The slight shake of her body pained her, and she turned her head to bury her nose in her hair. Savina's arms were still hesitant, they weren't holding her, they merely touched her.

"Mommy!"

And there it was...the reason why she survived, the reason she held on, why she didn't break. The disbelief in her voice was torturous, the slight panic that it'll turn out to be a dream, and she'll disappear. She hadn't called her 'mommy' in a long time; she usually called her that if she was buttering her up to get something she wanted, but had stopped calling her that on regular basis at the age of seven. She missed hearing it from her regularly, but it broke her heart when a single word – this word in particular – was this loaded. If she had given up, she wouldn't be holding her little girl against her chest. He would've succeeded in taking her away.

She pressed a kiss into her hair. "I'm here, baby," she assured her, her voice steadier than she would've guessed it could be. But it seemed to do the trick. Savina's arms slowly tightened around her torso, one hand moving up her back to hold onto her shoulder, as the other one fisted around her shirt. Her ragged and shallow breaths gradually slowed down, as she buried her head in the crook of Olivia's neck. Olivia's expected the tears to come, she was waiting for the sobs to rack her body, but she was surprisingly calm. She could feel her own tears sliding down her cheek, and damping the soft, brown locks. But to her surprise, Savina seemed calm.

* * *

An hour later, found Olivia lying in a hospital bed – after a series of scans, and X-rays – the curtain closed as the nurse tended to her burns and cuts. The curtain didn't reach the floor, so she could still peek at Savina's pacing feet, in an attempt to take her mind off what the nurse was doing. She had reluctantly let her stand behind the curtain as the nurse dressed the wounds, she didn't want her to see the wounds, didn't want to burden her with that, but Savina had gone ghostly white when the nurse suggested that she left the room, same for Olivia. She was not ready to part with her daughter yet. She knew Lewis was in the same hospital, and as irrational as that was, she didn't want Savina to leave her sight with that monster in the same building…..not while his heart was still beating.

A knock at the door disrupted the awkward silence filling the room, and Savina pulled it open slightly. Olivia could hear Fin's voice, but he was seemingly whispering, so she couldn't make out the words. She heard Savina's protests, but wasn't sure what they were about.

"You can open the curtain if you want, I'm done," the nurse called, as she started to clean up the wrappers and bottles. She smiled faintly at Savina, as she made her way around the bed to her uninjured side, and lowered herself to the bed, and she finally realized what all the hushed arguing was about. There was a bottle of soda in her hand, along with a sandwich, which she promptly discarded onto the bedside table, before opening the soda, and taking a large swig from it.

"You should eat that," Olivia remarked gently, her hand taking a hold of one of Savina's, who smiled softly at her.

"I'm not really hungry," she retorted gently. "But I can unwrap it for you, if you're hungry," she offered, but Olivia shook her head.

"She'll probably be nauseous for a while, until the alcohol is out of her system," the nurse interjected slightly, and Savina nodded.

Another knock at the door came, followed by a doctor entering.

"Hello, Detective. I'm Dr. Jacobs, I'm gonna give you a quick neuro-check, and be out of your hair," the young brunette, spoke hastily, and professionally. A soft smile gracing her lips, as she looked at the mother-daughter duo, before she frowned slightly.

"How long has your eye been doing that?" she asked gently, her eyes studying Savina intently. Olivia's head immediately whipped around in worry, and looked at Savina's eye.

Savina looked at her, confused. "Doing what?"

"Twitching at the corner. I saw you rubbing it," she elaborated.

"I don't know, all morning I guess."

"How many sodas have you had?" she wondered, and Savina scoffed. "I lost count. It's the only source of caffeine I could drink, because coffee tastes like uch!" she made a disgusted sound at the end to emphasize her point, and the doctor nodded at her. "You should go easy on it, you're over stimulating your nerves, which is making your eyes twitch," she instructed gently, and Savina nodded, before she turned her attention to Olivia.

By the time she was done with her check-up, the nurse was done cleaning up. "Someone will come in before discharge, and explain wound care to you both," she informed them, before turning around to speak to the nurse. "Have you done the rape-kit yet?" she asked.

The second the word 'rape' left her mouth, Savina's face went blank, and Olivia felt her entire body go rigid as a log next to her. She took a second to stop shooting daggers at the doctor to look at Savina as she spoke. "I wasn't raped."

Savina's eyes cut to hers when she spoke, and she held her frantic gaze steady, begging her to believe her. She wasn't just saying that for her benefit, it was true. Lewis didn't….couldn't rape her.

"One of the detectives need to be here for that," the nurse said, and the doctor nodded.

"I'll be back to do another check-up before discharge," she told them, before taking her leave. The nurse held the door ajar, stepping outside for a moment, before she came back in, with Amanda in toe.

"Hey, honey," Amanda greeted softly, putting a hand on Savina's back. "You can't be here for this," she spoke softly, her tone apologetic, and Savina nodded in understanding.

"I'll be right outside," she assured her mother, as she bent down to kiss her temple.

"Don't worry, Liv. Fin and Nick are outside," Amanda soothed, knowing that Olivia was worried about Savina leaving her sight with Lewis in the hospital.

Olivia reluctantly nodded, squeezing Savina's hand gently, before letting go, and watched her leave.

"Once we're done with the kit, I'm gonna take your statement, and then call her back in, okay?" Amanda suggested, and Olivia nodded.

"Can I shower before we talk?" she asked hesitantly, trying to ignore the nurse, who was positioning her legs into the stir-ups, and Amanda nodded. "Sure. We'll take it at your own pace, no rush," she assured her.

Olivia nodded, before her hand darted out and grabbed Amanda's, wincing, and nearly whimpering when the nurse started to collect samples. Amanda merely squeezed her hand comfortingly, as she sat on the bed to block her view of the nurse as she worked.

It killed her seeing Olivia like that, it was killing all of them. No one should ever go through something like that. She knew firsthand the shame you feel, the humiliation, how it affects your psych, how long it takes for you to put the pieces of your soul back together. She knew Olivia had a hard road ahead of her, but she also knew how strong she was. If anyone could bounce back from this, it was Olivia. And each one of them would help her anyway they can, anyway she allowed them to.


	6. Chapter 6

An hour later, Olivia finally made it out of the shower, and gingerly put her clothes on. If she thought taking a shower with a splint on her wrist, and water-proof gauze on various cuts on her body was inconvenient, putting clothes on with broken ribs was even worse. When she finally made her way out of the bathroom, Amanda had her phone pressed to her ear, and an irritated expression on her face….the one she saved for the special occasions. She gave her a small, exhausted, yet genuine smile when her eyes met the brunette's, befre she ended the call.

"Any news?" she asked weakly.

"Munch went back to the precinct to help the Captain keep the vultures away!" Amanda snapped irritably.

"Tell him to keep them there, I'll give them my statement after I'm released," Olivia stated softly, but Amanda shook her head. "Liv, you don't have to do that. Give yourself a couple of days, when you're up for it, go for it."

Olivia was silent for a few seconds, considering her options. On one hand, what Amanda was suggesting didn't actually sound so bad. She'll get to go home, stay away from the prying eyes sooner, and when she's ready, she can give IAB her statement. On the other, it meant that she would have to re-tell that story all over again. She would have to relive it, would have to recount the details that she was already trying to suppress. The cop in her also reminded her that any delay will give defense the chance to argue a cover-up.

"No, I just want to get this over with," she objected softly. At least this way, when she finally got away from people, she didn't have to think about facing them once more till she's ready.

Amanda merely nodded grimly at her, her apologetic gaze letting her know that the next part was the dreaded inevitable.

"Um….can I just check on Savina first?" Olivia wondered hopefully.

"Yeah, of course. Do you want me to get her?" she asked, pointing to the closed door behind her, and Olivia nodded.

Amanda swiftly walked over to the door and yanked it open, while Olivia gingerly walked over to the bed, but before she could reach it, Amanda's voice filtered through. "Where's Savina?"

In her current state, her brain immediately went into panic mode, without even realizing that Amanda's tone wasn't even worried, just questioning. She closed the distance to the door in a couple of large strides, yanked it open all the way, and stepped into the hallway, not caring in the least about how many people could see her. She was expecting Savina to appear from behind one of the uniforms and assure them of her presence, but to her surprise – and slight relief – Nick was the only one in the hallway.

Nick – seeing the wild, crazed look in Olivia's eyes – immediately put his hands up. "She's fine, Liv. Fin just took her to get something to eat," he explained hastily.

Olivia studied him for a moment, she knew him well, knew when he was lying. And even in her exhausted state, she could tell he wasn't being honest.

"He brought her a sandwich earlier," she negated pointedly, her panic rising once more when she saw the look he shared with Amanda. "Nick, where's my daughter?" she whispered pleadingly.

Nick sighed. "Mrs. Mayers wanted to talk to her, so Fin took her over to her room."

Olivia nodded reluctantly, she had already asked about the older woman in the car, and was relieved that she survived. But she was confused as to why she wanted to talk to Savina.

"I think she just wants to check on you. Fin went with Savina to make sure she doesn't kill Vanessa," Amanda assured her, practically growling the lawyer's name. Olivia looked at her in confusion at the last remark, which deepened when Nick smirked proudly. "Savina kinda lost it at the precinct when she saw Vanessa, and lunged at her," Amanda recounted, and Olivia was surprised at the proud undertone.

"It took Mason, Sam, Demetri, Diana _and_ Munch to keep her at arm's length!" Nick continued, his chest instinctively puffing out in pride. Olivia's heart swelled momentarily with pride, but it was soon aching at the pain she knew Savina must've been in to get this angry. She knew her daughter, knew that she wasn't violent, that she didn't have a temper. So she was sure that the anger was a mere defense mechanism, that she just didn't want anyone to see her breakdown, and at the same time help. She remembered the time she went undercover for the feds for five weeks, she remembered how Casey told her Savina constantly asked if there was anything she can do to help her come home faster. The word Casey used to describe the look in her baby's eyes; helpless. She had spent the past four days wondering how she was holding up, and they just unknowingly told her that – like Olivia suspected – she held it all back, until she snapped.

"Vina!" Fin's voice snapped her back to reality, and the nickname that only he used brought a smile to her lips despite the grim situation. She still remembered the day he found out about her, the surprised look on his face which quickly turned into one of fondness when she showed him the picture she was holding. He had been with them for about three weeks, and she still wasn't quite comfortable sharing her daughter yet with him. It was the one piece of information she usually didn't share right off the bat. She didn't even have her picture on her desk, worrying that the wrong person would see it and go after her baby just to get to her. It was one of those cases that got to her despite her best efforts to keep her distance, and this one was hitting closer to home than most, since it was a case of a kidnapped child. Olivia could relate to how the mother felt, especially when they started asking her certain questions, and the mother seemed clueless. It hadn't made any sense to them, until they found out that she had a demanding job, and that the baby was often left in the care of a nanny. It had always been a fear of Olivia's; that her little girl would be closer to her sitter, and that she would know more about her own little girl than Olivia. And so, she had been in the crib for the past ten minutes, just staring at the picture, and running her fingers lovingly over Savina's smiling face. It was one of Olivia's favorite pictures – she still had it in her drawer to this day – and she could still hear Savina's innocent laugh from that day. She had one small, chubby hand on the coffee table, helping her stand, while the other stretched out in an effort to reach Olivia. She was a little over a year, and Olivia had been trying to coax her into walking on her own. So there she was, sitting at arm's length away from her – to catch her in case she fell – while the giggling one year old tried her most adorable smiles, and puppy faces to get Olivia to just take her. Of course Olivia eventually caved, and took her hand, but not before Serena snapped the picture. Olivia's silhouette was partially visible in the picture, especially the radiant smile on her face. She had always been terrified that Savina would lose the absolute adoration in her eyes as she grew older, but to her relief it never did. Fin had come in for a time out himself, and saw the picture in her hand. But he didn't really meet Savina until Serena's funeral. And to Olivia's surprise; she immediately took to him.

Savina was never really an anti-social baby, but she was a bit shy and very selective of people. She never took to Cassidy – which was a recurrent theme apparently – and wasn't very fond of Jefferies either. But she had taken to Fin almost instantly, and he was surprisingly very good with her. He would let her play with the chain around his neck, his ponytail, and even his badge. He was the one person who could hardly say no to her. Even now, she was closer to him than she ever was to Elliot, and it had always irritated the latter.

Nick had walked away from her and Amanda, and peeked his head around the corner. Whatever it was he saw, he put his hand out to top both women from following him. And before the question that had formed in her mind could tumble out of her mouth, another voice sounded, and it was one that made her blood boil.

"I couldn't have known this would happen!" Vanessa yelled.

Olivia's eyebrows hit her hairline, and she desperately wanted to punch that arrogant red-headed lawyer herself, but she didn't trust herself to go out there. Luckily for her, her own little girl did a better job than she ever could've thought possible.

The snort that Savina released was a mixture of disbelief, anger, even disgust. And Olivia found her feet carrying her over to where Nick was standing, and she slowly peeked at the situation unfolding a few feet away. She was hidden from view by Nick's body, so all she see was Savina's back, and Fin's silhouette as he stood between the two women, and partially obscuring Vanessa from her view.

"Are you seriously going to stand there after my mother had gone missing for four days and give me that?" she growled. "No, actually, scratch that. It takes some real nerves for someone to stand there and deny responsibility of their actions, after her own _mother_ gets attacked," she hissed menacingly.

"How could I have known something like this would happen?" Vanessa argued defiantly, her voice shaking slightly, but her arrogance wouldn't let her back down.

Savina scoffed bitterly. "How about when _five_ different jurisdictions dub a man a rapist, and a _murderer_ , you don't take him home to meet the parents?" she snapped.

That seemed to render her speechless, and she kept staring at the seething teenager before her, and not entirely sure what to say. "I…..I was just….I thought…" she stammered.

"No, you didn't think, that's the problem. You were either stupid enough, or crazy enough to fall for him. Or maybe you just thought he'd be the case to make your career. The man persecuted by the NYPD while a maniac roams free," Savina ground out angrily. "I don't know, and I don't care. You made your choice, Vanessa, and I strongly suggest that you figure out a way to deal with the consequences, because God knows we all are!" she seethed, before she whipped around, and Olivia immediately retreated away from Nick.

"Vina, hold up," Fin called gently, and Savina sighed in frustration.

"Fin, if you expect me to apologize to her," she warned, and he shook his head.

"Nah, baby girl, she deserved every word and then some," he calmed her. "I just need you to calm down a bit, don't want your mom seeing you like this."

Olivia was sure everyone could hear her heart breaking at that sentence. Her fourteen year old was hiding her emotions for her sake. It was wrong….so very wrong….and on so many levels. She shouldn't be the one doing the shielding, she should be shielded herself. She peeked her head around the corner once more in time to see Savina sagging against Fin's broad chest, as his arms wound tightly around her much smaller frame.

She wanted to go to her, to hold her, to be the one taking away the pain and anger inside her, but she was rooted to the spot. Her fear of the prying eyes glued her feet to the floor, her need to hide won over her maternal instinct, and that scared her.

"Let's get this over with," she told Amanda decisively, before she made her way into her room once more.

* * *

Almost two hours later, Olivia had given Amanda her statement, the doctors had signed off on her, the nurses had explained wound care to both her and Savina – despite her adamant protests of course – and discharge papers were signed. She was sitting in the back seat of Fin's car, Nick beside him, with both Amanda and Savina in the back seat with her. Savina was sitting next to her, one hand tightly clutching her own, with Amanda on the other side. They were all very quiet, as Fin maneuvered the car through Manhattan's traffic. She had her head resting on the window, as she got lost inside her own head.

She went back to the beach house, went back to the couple of hours they spent in her apartment, to the Mayers's house. She could still hear Mrs. Mayers pleas with the bastard to stop, could still remember the smell of her own flesh as he burned it with various objects, could still hear his voice as he taunted her about everything. It was if he bore into her soul somehow, as if he knew every exposed nerve, every carefully hidden away wound she had. He knew when and how to hit each soft spot to maximize the damage. No one in her life was spared; her mother, her friends, her own little girl. She had been his biggest leverage, for she was the one person who got a reaction out of Olivia simply at the mention of her name. He had used her own daughter against her, tormenting her with the fact that she'll never be able to look at her again without remembering him. That even _she_ will be a reminder of painful times, and will not be a source of joy any more. It had terrified her. She knew firsthand what that felt like, how it was to be in the receiving end of such rage that you had no hand in, how it felt to know that you were a constant reminder of something so painful. She had sworn to Savina the day she was born that she'll never turn into Serena, that she'll know what it meant to have a loving mother, that there will never come a day where she'll look at other kids and envy them for their life, wishing that she can have their parents instead of her own. She was scared that when Savina got to the hospital, she wouldn't be able to hold her, to look at her, to hear her voice. Of course none of that mattered the second she saw the fear in her eyes, and nothing took away the pain like her arms wrapped around her injured body.

She jerked slightly when a hand was placed on her knee, and it took her a couple of seconds to focus again.

"We're here," Nick said softly.

She nodded, almost robotically, as her eyes looked to the side in search of the ones that, at the moment, her only source of strength. But they weren't there. Instead, she was met by her daughter's sleeping face, as her head rested heavily on Amanda's shoulder, and only now did she realize that her hand had relaxed in her own grip.

"Nick'll take you inside, I got her," Fin told her gently, and she turned her head to look at Nick when he opened the door next to her. "She'll be fine, Liv," Nick assured her, and she nodded. She gently untangled her fingers from Savina's sleeping hand, and allowed Nick to help her to her feet.


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia walked IAB through what happened since she set foot in her apartment four days ago almost hazily, her eyes kept flickering over to the squad room, scanning it over and over in search of her daughter, but didn't find her. She thought maybe Fin had coaxed her into eating something, or may have even taken her down to their in-house gym to beat a punching bag. She knew she was being selfish, but she needed her. She was the only source of strength she had, the one who helped her survive those gruesome four days. And after roughly an hour, she flicked her eyes over, and saw Fin talking with Amanda, but no Savina. Her heart dropped, and she nearly bolted out of her chair. She faltered slightly in her words, before she composed herself once more. Less than half an hour later, IAB finally let her go.

She didn't need to be told twice, she sprang to her feet, and practically jogged to the door before yanking it open. She saw Cragen leave his office, but she ignored him, and focused on Fin, who had approached her the second she opened the door.

"Where's Savina?" she demanded frantically.

Fin, to her surprise, didn't even blink at the worried tone, or her wild eyes. He simply held her gaze reassuringly knowing that she knew how to read him well enough to know if he's lying to her. So far, aside from Savina, he was the only one who didn't look at her like she was broken, he was just concerned, and the only thing she saw in his eyes was compassion. The same thing she was seeing right now. "Sleeping in the crib. I managed to get her from the car to the bed without waking her, so I figured I'd let her get some sleep till you're done with IAB."

She nodded, as she tried to get her erratic heartbeat under control. "I saw her swaying slightly in the hospital when we were leaving, she looked exhausted," she commented, and he nodded. "She hasn't gotten much sleep," he alluded, and she smiled sadly at him.

"Who told her I was missing?" she wondered, and he sighed sadly. "No one did. She saw the apartment herself."

Olivia nodded, her eyes glazing over once more, as she silently turned towards a room that she spent as many nights in as her own apartment. One that Savina herself spent almost half her life in. Her mind raced with thousands of memories of nights spent in the crib, of cases which demanded that Olivia stayed for days on end at the precinct, and more often than not, Savina would end up with her there as well. She was often the distraction they all needed, the reminder that the whole world wasn't murderers and rapists, that not all children were abused, kidnapped or killed.

She opened the door slowly, careful not to make any sound, her eyes immediately landing on Savina's sleeping form. She was fast asleep on her side, both hands tucked in under the pillow, and her knees pulled up halfway towards her chest. Fin had her covered with a blanket, since the crib was always the coldest room in the precinct. She took slow, almost hesitant steps towards her, and gently lowered herself onto the bed next to her. She thought that Savina would awaken at the shift in the bed under her weight, but she didn't even so much as stir.

She could always tell when Savina had been crying, even if it had been hours ago. She knew all the signs, knew what to look for, even if she had covered it up with make-up, she could always tell. She smiled sadly when she found no signs of crying on her sleeping little girl, no expertly concealed puffiness under her eyes, no red noses or stained cheeks, no bite marks on her lips as she tried to compose herself…..nothing.

If she had told anyone that her little girl didn't cry for the four days she went missing, they would tell her to be happy. That maybe she was stronger than she thought, and was able to keep it together. But Olivia knew better, she knew that Savina desperately wanted – _needed_ – to cry, to break down. She knew that her little girl was keeping it all inside for her sake. That she was putting on a brave façade because she knew her mother needed her, and she didn't want to make it harder on her. After all, it hadn't been the first time she had done this, and she was seven the last time.

* * *

_Olivia got off the stand, and rushed over to Casey. She had gotten her message in the nick of time, and barely managed to make it back in time to testify before the judge declared a mistrial, and set the rapist free. But seeing as Casey was the one who had kept her daughter for the past five weeks, she wanted to check on her little girl, and then rush over to her school, take her in her arms, and probably not let go for the next decade._

_Casey was deep in conversation with another lawyer, and she placed a hand on Olivia's arm, knowing why Olivia seemed so restless. She quickly finished up her conversation, before she turned to Olivia._

" _Don't worry, she's fine," she assured her gently, smiling at the gleam of longing in her eyes, and the relief at hearing any form of good news about her little girl. "And you're in luck, they're letting them out early today, so we should actually get going," she added._

" _You don't have to come with me," Olivia argued softly. "You've already done so much, and I cannot tell you how sorry I am for dumping this on you so last minute, and without any explanations, but….."_

_She was cut off by Casey. "But with Elliot and Kathy separated, I was the only one with a seemingly stable schedule, who could keep her, and give her some form of normality while you're away. You don't have to apologize Liv, I quite enjoyed having her around. She's a great kid. And besides, they hired a new dismissal supervisor, so she won't release Savina to you."_

_Olivia smiled sadly at her. "Yeah, she probably prefers living with you than me," she remarked sadly, mostly to herself, but Casey heard her, and stopped mid-step._

" _Liv, what are you talking about? She loves you," Casey shot back gently, confused as to what made Olivia think that way. "She spent the past five weeks asking me if there was anything we can do to get you home faster. It broke my heart every time I told her no."_

_Casey was frowning, not entirely sure what was going through Olivia's head, but her eyes held nothing but truth in them as she spoke. Olivia desperately wanted to believe her, but she couldn't shake the way Savina acted the last time she saw her. Olivia's own voice was choking on the held back tears as she explained to Savina how she had to go away for a while, and she would be staying with Casey. She had expected Savina to cry, to beg her not to go, for her voice to crack a little as she said her goodbye….but none of that happened. Savina wrapped her arms around Casey's neck, as she waved goodbye to her mother, a warm smile playing on her lips. It broke Olivia's heart. It appeared that her worse nightmare had finally come true; her own child felt absolutely no connection to her, that she didn't mind her being gone for a lengthy time._

" _I appreciate you saying that, Casey….but…." she stammered, trying her best to hold back her own tears. They had made it to her car by then, and she was trying not to get her hopes up about Savina's reaction._

" _Liv, where is any of this coming from? What the hell happened in Oregon to make you doubt your own child's love?" Casey wondered incredulously._

" _I don't doubt her love, Casey. I just…." She wasn't sure how to phrase it. "I just don't think my absence affected her that much," she confessed, and Casey gaped at her._

" _Oh yeah. Then who cried herself to sleep every night for the first two weeks?" Casey retorted bluntly, and Olivia whipped around to look at her. "I wasn't planning on telling you all of that, figured it was hard on you as it is to leave her like this, but it appears you need to hear it."_

" _Sh….sh….she cried?" she stuttered, and Casey nodded, her confusion now deepening. "Of course she did. What on earth made you think she didn't?" she wondered._

_Olivia fell silent, and it dawned on Casey. "She didn't cry in front of you," she realized, and Olivia just averted her gaze and looked back at the road._

" _Liv, the second that door closed behind you, she buried her face in my neck and broke down into heaving sobs. She didn't cry in front of you because she knew how hard it was for you to leave, and she didn't want to make it any harder on you. She's smart, she's perceptive, and I'm a little surprised you didn't see right through it."_

" _I miss her so much," Olivia whispered tearfully. It had been the one thing driving her crazy for five weeks. She couldn't have any contact with her whatsoever, and it broke her heart. Agent Porter used to update her, but it did nothing to quench the ache in her heart. The 'she's fine, goes to school, and does her homework' shtick he fed her every time she asked about her was quickly becoming annoying._

" _And she misses you like crazy. If you don't wanna believe me, just wait till you see how she reacts to seeing you."_

* * *

Casey was right; Savina had sprinted across the playground when she spotted Olivia and lunged herself into her mother's open arms. Olivia was already crouching down to catch her, and she wrapped her arms tight around her, as she buried her nose in her neck and hair, taking in her scent. Her tears were flowing down her cheek, as she choked out how much she missed and loved her, but when she stopped talking to kiss her temple, she finally heard the sniffling, and felt the tears on her neck as well. When she tried to pull Savina back a little to get a better look at her face, the tearful seven year-old merely buried her face further into Olivia's neck, and tightened her arms around her as well. She had beamed happily at Casey when their eyes met, never been happier to be proven wrong.

So if at the age of seven, she had the presence of mind to keep her emotions at bay to spare Olivia's feelings, she was sure that she was doing the same thing right now.

She brushed her hair back gently, before she bent down and kissed her temple lovingly. "Come on, baby, wake up."

The kiss had already made Savina stir, but Olivia's heart broke when her eyes flew open in a panic at the sound of her voice. She frowned at the sight of grey walls, before they settled on Olivia, who was still running her fingers through her hair. "Sorry to wake you," she apologized.

"No, it's okay," Savina assured. "How did I get here anyways?" she wondered.

"You fell asleep in the car, so I moved you here," Fin replied from the doorway, and when both women looked over, they saw Cragen standing there as well.

"Thanks," she smiled appreciatively at him. "You done with IAB?" she asked, turning her attention towards her mother, who nodded. "Did they give you a hard time?" she wondered, and Olivia shook her head. "That's a first," she scoffed.

"Well, as far as the department, IAB and 1PP are concerned, you're a hero," Cragen remarked, and she simply nodded her head at him. She felt a lot of things at the moment, hero was nowhere near that list.

"There's a lot of press downstairs, so I'll get you both out the back," Fin informed them.

"Where am I gonna go?" Olivia blurted out, her voice distant, hollow, and nothing like the woman they all knew.

"Your apartment is still a crime scene, you can get your things from it, but the department will put you up in a hotel," Cragen said without missing a beat.

"For how long?" she asked.

"Liv, don't worry about it. You've got a concussion, broken ribs, fractured wrist, what you went through….." he trailed off, and she averted his gaze, her eyes briefly flickering over to Fin's – happy to find them void of any sympathy, just concern and compassion – before they looked over at Savina, who had stiffened bit by bit with every word Cragen said. She used the hand that had fallen limp to the bed when Savina had moved to sit on the bed, to rub her arm comfortingly up and down.

"You're on leave until you're ready to come back, and I don't want any arguments," he shot down any attempts of objections before she even begun.

She moved her hand to cradle the back of Savina's bowed head, and pressed a kiss to the top of it, when she heard the shallow breaths leaving her in an attempt to reign in her emotions. "I'm not gonna give you any," she promised him.

"I….uh…." Savina cleared her throat. "I think I have a better idea than the hotel," she started, finally raising her head to look at Olivia, who used whatever last bit of strength she had left not to sob at the tortured, pained look in her baby's eyes. "Brad Castillo owns this building where he sets up most of his employees, mostly the ones in security. It's a high security building, no one in without one of the residents signing for them, regardless of who they are. The parking lot, and doors all have electronic cards that register the tenant's information when they're swiped in. We'd have more privacy than a hotel…..and…..and….." she trailed off at the end.

"And?" Olivia encouraged. She was actually liking that idea better than the hotel idea, for all the reason Savina just mentioned, not to mention the fact that Bradford Castillo was a lot less likely to put an expiration date on their stay.

"And Mason lives across the hall from the vacant apartment," she finished hesitantly, her eyes begging Olivia to agree. She knew very well that her mother hated to be treated like a victim, like she couldn't take care of herself, but she was terrified, and that was the only option that made her feel a little bit safe.

"Mason?" Cragen wondered.

"The Castillo's kids driver and bodyguard, he's former special forces," Fin clarified.

Olivia could see the plea in her daughter's eyes, the need for her to accept the offered apartment. She hated being treated like an invalid, hated accepting charity, made her feel like she was broken. But she knew the toll the entire thing had taken on her little girl, that she had to think of her too. The idea of Mason was appealing, because she knew that he would never let anything happen to Savina. And as much as she hated to admit it, but it would give her more room to deal and cope with what happened to her. As bad as it was for her, she had to remember that she wasn't alone in this. She knew that this was the only way to ease some of Savina's worry, and calm some of her fears.

And so, despite the fact the very loud noises and demons in her head telling her not to, she reluctantly nodded. She knew she had made the right call, when she saw some relief finally creep into the deep molten chocolate eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia slung her arm around Savina's shoulders, as they made their way out towards the squad room. Fin was trailing behind them, and Olivia pulled Savina further into her, dropping a kiss to the top of her head when she felt her hand fisting around the blue button-down shirt she was wearing. Even though Savina was yet to cry, there were little things that she did that broke Olivia's heart, because it showed how much all of that was affecting her. The fisted fingers around the back of the shirt was one of them. Savina would sometimes get clingy after a particularly tough case, when she'd hear a cop was shot, or when Olivia would come home with a bruise. But the subconscious fists around her clothes had happened only twice before; after Savina was taken by her father when she was five, and when Olivia went undercover for the feds. And to this day, Olivia had found it shocking that she was far worse after Oregon than her own kidnapping.

They made their way out of the precinct through the back to avoid the press, and quickly ducked into Fin's car.

"Do you want to get things from your place?" Fin asked, once they were both settled into the back seat. Olivia's face immediately paled, and her entire body turned rigid as a log. Savina saw this out of the corner of her eye, and quickly answered for her mother. "Yeah, I'll go get a few things."

She knew her mother was in no shape to be anywhere near the apartment, let alone inside. But they needed their things; clothes, toiletries, shoes…..necessities basically. She knew that Olivia would probably rather buy all new things, but neither were in the mood to go shopping. Savina didn't even want to think about groceries at this point. She knew that Fin would have to escort her up to the apartment, since it was still a crime scene and all, and she didn't want to leave her mother alone. She pulled her phone out, about to text Fin, when he seemingly read her mind, and he spoke before she had even entered her PIN.

"Nick's gonna meet us there to take you up," he said, and she smiled, her eyes flickering over to her mother, who was already staring vacantly out the window, and mouthed a 'thank you' to him when his eyes met hers in the rearview mirror, and he merely winked at her.

Olivia had actually seen the entire exchange out of the corner of her eye, and her heart ached. She hated the entire situation; hated that her friends were now treating her like a victim – save for Fin, who seemingly went about as if nothing was amiss – and her own child was forced to be the adult, level-headed one in the situation. Her fourteen year-old was the one who was taking matters into her own hands, and being the responsible one. Savina's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and she slowly turned around to watch her as she talked into her phone.

"Yeah, we're going to get a few things from the apartment," she spoke softly into the phone, her fingers fidgeting with her nails nervously. Something she usually did when she was trying to reign in her emotions, and it killed Olivia that she couldn't comfort her. She needed to heal, needed to figure out a way to deal with everything that happened to her so she can regain at least a part of who she really was. She needed to find a way to hold back her own emotions so she can comfort her own child when she needed it.

Fin's voice pulled her back to reality once more, as he announced their arrival, and she felt the blood freeze in her veins once more. She didn't want to look at the building, didn't want to see the fire escape that he carried her down on, didn't want to remember how he taunted her about waiting in the exact same spot they were parked in at the moment for Savina to come home.

" _I don't think she'll put up much of a fight….from what I could gather, she loves you very much," he taunted. "And I'm sure she'll come willingly if I tell her your life depends on it," he sneered viciously. "And then…..the real fun can begin."_

She didn't know what changed his mind, and she didn't care. She had shaken her head helplessly, coaxing him into leaving before she got home, claiming that she was with her partner, and that he will walk her up to the door, and probably see the mess. But he was adamant, he was hell bound on making her watch her own child get raped and tortured. But then, he suddenly drove away, saying something about how he wasn't a patient man, and she had let go of the breath she wasn't even aware she was holding. The tears of relief that had fallen down her cheeks soon turned into ones of horror, when she realized that he had every intention of torturing Mrs. Mayer and she was going to watch.

"Diana's gonna text you the address," Savina relayed, as she unbuckled her seatbelt. "Mason is already there with the keys, and he's sorting the lease with building manager," she directed her last statement towards Olivia, who robotically nodded. She quickly made her way out of the car, and jogged lightly across the street to where Nick was standing. He smiled warmly at the teenager as she approached, and flung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him protectively as they made their way into the building. Olivia smiled sadly when she saw Savina's arm go around Nick's back, and her head lean into the crook of his arm. He may have only been her partner for a couple of years, but he was every bit as protective of Savina as Fin, Munch and Cragen were. Her mind wandered to the first time Nick met her, and she smiled a little.

* * *

_She was in the interview room with a witness taking their statement for the past hour, already more than willing to call it a day and go home. She hadn't been getting much sleep since Elliot left, and it was starting to take a toll on her. The fact that she had two new detectives to show the ropes wasn't helping either. The witness finally gave them all that she had, and Olivia impatiently –though she was able to keep the professional smile on her face – grabbed the pad and pen, and headed back out._

_She was surprised when she saw Savina standing with Nick, while Amanda leaned on her desk and studied the brunette closely. She smiled when her eyes met the identical pair that belonged to her daughter, and she felt some of the tension leave her body. After all, the majority of it was because Savina had been away at the Hamptons with the Castillo's for the past week._

" _Savina," she breathed in relief, dropping the pad and pen onto her desk._

_Savina smiled broadly, as she side-stepped Nick and walked over to her. "Hey, Mom."_

_Nick's gob-smacked expression, and the 'Mom' that he practically screeched fell on deaf ears, as well as Amanda's scoff. "Oh, come on, Amaro. She's the spitting image!" she had pointed out, just as she pulled Savina into her arms, burying her nose in her hair in the process._

_She felt Savina smirk slightly against her cheek, and she smiled softly into the lingering kiss she was pressing to the side of her head. "Guess that means they haven't been cleared yet to find out about me," she joked._

_Olivia opened her mouth to justify it, as Savina pulled back slightly from the hug, so their eyes met once more, but Savina beat her to it. "You don't have to explain. I know I'm not something you share right off the bat."_

_It had surprised her that Savina understood her reasons, that she didn't think it was because she didn't want people to figure out her real age, or some other ridiculous reason teenagers come up with every day for the things their parents do for them._

* * *

Olivia had always admired that about Savina, she was insightful, wise beyond her years, and could read between the lines, and never took anything for face value. She couldn't have been prouder of her baby, even if she tried. And Savina was right, she usually waited weeks, sometimes even months, to tell someone new about her. She always had the fear at the back of her mind, that one day she'll share the information with the wrong person, and Savina would pay the price. She sometimes even denied having children, if a witness asked her.

She had been worried about how Savina would react to the new members of the squad, but Savina seemed more welcoming than she thought. Heck, she was more welcoming than she was. But then again, she hadn't reacted as badly as Olivia thought she would to Elliot's disappearance. They were close, but she had been infinitely closer to Fin, and had un-ceremonially snapped one day when Olivia pushed her to talk about Elliot, that if he didn't even care enough to say goodbye, or let them know of his decision, then she shouldn't be wasting her energy worrying about him, or even giving him a second thought. And even though she knew she was right, it was easier said than done.

Savina had quickly grown close to Nick, and had formed a bond with Amanda. The blond being closer to her in age was an advantage that helped them bond, and more often than not, Savina would read something into Amanda's wild behavior that Olivia herself would miss. She had been pleasantly surprised one day when Amanda confessed to her that Savina had helped her deal with her sister's betrayal.

Nick had become the older brother Savina never really had, and she would sometimes grumble -jokingly - never really wanted. He was as protective of her, as he was of his own kids. All of those things had crossed her mind when Lewis had her. There were times when she thought he'd kill her, times she even told him to just do it. She knew it would kill Savina, but she knew that she would be taken care of. But then the sadness in her eyes as she greeted her that day in school after she finally returned from Oregon, would flash before her eyes, and her resolve would strengthen.

Her eyes flickered over to the building, wondering what was taking them so long, when her heart sank at the sight before her. Savina was leaning on the trash can outside the building, her grip on the sides surely making her knuckles turn white, as she took labored, shallow breaths. Her eyes darted in search for Nick, who was seemingly nowhere to be found. She was about to have a full-on panic attack, when she spotted him leaving the corner deli, with a bottle in his hand which he handed to her. She recognized the general shape as probably some brand of ginger-ale, and her stomach clenched. Savina generally hated ginger-ale, and only drank it to settle her upset stomach. That, coupled with the fact that she was leaning over the trash can, she realized that she had been sick. Her heart twisted at the knowledge, knowing that it was probably brought on by the horrific things she saw in the apartment. She hesitated, she wanted to get out and run to her little girl, take her in her arms, and try to comfort her. But she hesitated. She wasn't comfortable being in public, she didn't want any of her neighbors to see her. They all probably knew about what happened by now, and she didn't want to face all the sympathetic, and patronizing gazes just yet. It pained her that Lewis had gotten her to the point, where she had to weigh her options before she went to comfort her own child.

She saw Nick pull her into his arms, after she took a few sips from the bottle, and she felt the tears spring to her eyes at how Savina practically crumpled against his chest. She looked small, way younger than actually looked, more vulnerable, and utterly exhausted. Nick rubbed her back, as he rocked them both from side to side gently for a couple of seconds, before he released her. Olivia already had her hand on the belt buckle, when Nick bent down and grabbed the bags, before he and Savina made their way towards the car, with smaller bags in Savina's hands.

Fin wordlessly opened the trunk for them, and got out to help them with the bags. She heard the trunk close, before Savina slid into the back seat next to her, smiling softly at her. Fin got into the driver seat, and Nick bed them goodbye, after telling Savina to text him when they get to the apartment.

Once they pulled back into traffic, and were a block or so away from her apartment building, she finally relaxed a little.

"Diana send you the address?" Savina asked Fin.

"Yeah, it's about an hour from here, but with Manhattan traffic, it could take more than that," he remarked.

Olivia looked over to Savina at that, and used the fingers peeking from the splint to usher her over. "Come here, baby," she whispered softly.

Savina didn't need to be told twice, and she moved closer to Olivia. Her brows furrowed slightly when Olivia used her free hand, and pulled her into her lap. Olivia maneuvered a bit, until Savina was wedged between her and the door, her back to the window, with her legs resting over Olivia's with her feet on the seat, and her head nestled into the crook of Olivia's neck. Savina's hand found the splint and she started to absent-mindedly fumble with it. Olivia rested her cheek against Savina's forehead, as she gently stroked her hair soothingly.

"Try to get some sleep," she instructed gently.

Savina shook her head gently. "If I sleep now, I won't get any tonight. I already got some in the crib," she objected softly, before she turned her head slightly towards the back of Fin's seat, before adding. "Which reminds me, how did I get from the car to the crib?"

"You fussed a bit when I carried you, but you were exhausted, didn't take you long to settle again," Fin almost rambled.

"You sang God Help the Outcasts, didn't you?" Savina countered, and Fin chuckled. "Yeah, I did."

"God help the outcasts?" Olivia repeated in confusion.

Savina pulled back slightly so she can look at her. "When you were in Oregon, I got badly sick, and Casey had to get to court, so he got stuck babysitting me. We watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the song got stuck in both of our heads. He used it to help me sleep that night, and apparently has been using it since," Savina recounted, then noticed the horrified expression on her mother's face. "What's wrong?"

"I….I….uh…..I didn't know you got sick. Porter never told me, even when I briefed Dana, she didn't say anything," she rambled, her voice almost pleading with Savina to believe her.

"Hey, hey, I know. I only saw Dana once after you left, and I don't think Casey even told her I got sick. There was a bug going around in school, and I caught it."

Olivia merely nodded weakly at her, before she pulled her back into her arms, and rested her cheek back against her forehead, before she spaced out inside her own head once more. The subject of her undercover weeks in Oregon was still a sore spot with her, and she couldn't help but wander back to those times.

* * *

_The sky had already gone dark by the time Olivia finally stumbled into the apartment, a still clinging Savina in her arms, her head resting heavily on her shoulder, as her even breaths ghosted over Olivia's skin. She had gone to Casey's apartment after picking her up from school, and packed her stuff. But she couldn't carry them all up to the apartment when she saw Savina fast asleep in the backseat, and she didn't have the heart to wake her._

_She kicked off her heels by the door, and walked towards her the white-and-pink painted room, before she changed her mind, and went to her own room instead. She gently laid Savina onto the bed, turned the side lamp on, and went back out to get the rest of the bags that she had piled by the elevator. She had kept going back and forth with Savina held with one arm, and a bag held with the other, until all the bags were by the elevator, before she used her foot to push them in, and then out once she reached her floor._

_She managed to somehow carry all the bags with both hands, and quickly ran back to the wedged door, and pushed it in. She had barely set foot inside, when she heard the cries coming from the bedroom. She un-ceremonially threw the bags on the floor, and jumped over them, before darting towards her room._

_She saw Savina curled up in bed, hugging the pillow she usually slept on tightly, and hysterically sobbing into it. She rushed over to the bed, and leaned down to catch Savina's tearful gaze, her own worried ones racking over her body in search of some injury. Savina, on her part, threw herself at Olivia the second she saw her, and wrapped her arms tight around her neck, her face burrowing into its crook, as she continued to sob._

" _It's okay, baby. Shsh, it's gonna be okay," she soothed, murmuring kisses into the hysterical seven year-old's ear, but she refused to calm down. "Does something hurt?" she asked, her own voice choking on the tears, and felt Savina shake her head._

" _I….I…th….thought….you…le….lef….again," she hiccupped, and Olivia felt the tears rising to her eyes, as she tightened her arms around her sobbing daughter._

" _I'm never leaving you again, I promise," she vowed repeatedly._

* * *

Olivia had spent the next hour that day whispering assurances, and promises into Savina's ear until she tearfully drifted off to sleep. Olivia had been so afraid to wake her up again, that she actually slept without changing, her own tears cascading down her cheeks and damping the silky brown hair belonging to her child. She vowed that day that it wouldn't matter what the stakes would be, or if they would even take her badge away; she was not gonna go undercover for more than a day again. She was not going to put her daughter through something like this willingly again.

And she had succeeded in keeping that promise….until now.

By the time the sky was dark, Olivia and Savina had settled into the apartment, and Olivia found herself in the bathroom staring blankly at her own reflection. Except she wasn't seeing herself, she was seeing the battered, vodka soaked version who was looking into the mirror at the beach house staring angrily back at her.

She left the bathroom half an hour later, and gingerly walked over to the bed. The in-suit bathroom didn't have a shower, so Savina was using the one out in the hallway, but she couldn't hear the shower running, so she figured she must be done with it. She sat down on the bed, contemplating her next move. On the one hand, she didn't want to sleep, didn't want to see Lewis's smug smile again, and didn't want to relive what happened to her in her dreams. But on the other, Savina looked absolutely spent by the time they made it to the apartment, that she didn't have the energy to argue with Mason over the groceries that he got for them. She simply thanked him, and promised to call if they needed anything. She knew that if she stayed up, there was no way Savina would even try to sleep. She figured she'd at least lie in bed, and try to lull her to sleep, and then try to stay awake. She really hated the darkness now.

Her trail of thought was interrupted by the shuffling of feet into the room, followed by Savina –hair still wet – with her eyes focused on her phone once more. She looked up when she caught sight of her mother sitting on the bed, and frowned slightly, as she climbed into bed next to her. Olivia had thought about letting Savina take the other room, but it didn't seem like either of them was ready to sleep on their own at the moment. And even though she knew she would probably wake her with nightmares, she figured the proximity of someone might help ease the fears.

She snapped out of her own head when she felt Savina's fingers carding in her hair. "Your hair hasn't been this short since I was a kid," she noted, playing with the now-much-shorter strands that Olivia had cut in the bathroom mere minutes before.

"You're still a kid," Olivia retorted gently, her own hand coming up to cup her cheek, and moving the wet strands away from her face.

Savina smiled genuinely at her, her eyes still slightly haunted, but the smile was genuine. "I knew you would say that."

Olivia found herself smiling as well. "I don't care how old you get, or what happens, you'll always be my baby," she said softly, her voice showing every ounce of love she held for the teenager in front of her.

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the long wait, but things were kinda crazy lately.
> 
> This chapter hasn't been reviewed yet, so please excuse any grammar or spelling errors.
> 
> Let me know what you all think. Starting the next chapter, we will jump a little ahead into Olivia's recovery.


	9. Chapter 9

_Olivia walked out of the bathroom, freshly showered, and dressed for her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. She had been seeing him for a couple of weeks now, an almost two hour session,almost daily. She threw her cardigan and purse onto the couch, as she made her way to the kitchen, where Savina was busy making breakfast, her hair wet from the shower._

_The apartment had an open-floored plan, with a high bar separating the kitchen from the sitting area, with bar stools perched up against it. So it made it easier sometimes for Olivia to watch Savina from her place on the couch, as the latter moved around the kitchen without the teenager knowing. She walked over to her, and planted a soft kiss to the side of her head. "Morning, sweetheart," she greeted lovingly._

_"Morning," she smiled. "Breakfast's ready. I just have to get the juice."_

_"It's okay, I got it." She walked over to the fridge and pulled it open. She froze slightly at the few bottles neatly stacked in the rack next to the juices; ginger ale. She turned around towards the plates that Savina had on the countertop, and she took a shuddering breath when her eyes landed on the other culprit that proved her fear; toast with Gouda cheese. If there was one thing Savina hated more than anything, it was Gouda cheese. She absolutely loathed it, didn't stand the bitter taste, and couldn't even stand the smell of it. Same could be said for the ginger ale._

_She closed the fridge -without getting the juice - and walked over to where Savina was drying her hands, after rinsing off the things she used. She cupped her face gently between her hands, and leaned down to press a lingering kiss to her forehead. When she pulled back, she tangled her fingers in the silky, wet locks that reminded her so much of her own. She tried to push away the image of her own reflection, her hair wet from four-days worth of sweat and vodka as it stared back at her in the mirror. It flashed before her eyes every time Savina didn't blow-dry her hair after a shower. It was one of the reasons she cut off her own hair, she didn't want the constant reminder. But she refused to let her demon-filled brain associate her baby girl with the worse four days she ever experienced._

_"You want a go at my hair too?" Savina quipped, noticing how Olivia was twirling the locks between her own fingers slightly, and Olivia smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes, though it wasn't from the pain of Lewis this time. She shook her head, before pulling Savina into her arms. "I love you so much, sweetheart."_

_Savina's arms wrapped a bit hesitantly around her waist - worried that she might unknowingly aggravate an injury - and Olivia had to keep from crying at how guarded her hugs were, but she felt her melt into her embrace. She missed the times when Savina would practically barrel into her, jump on top of her on the bed, throw a pillow at her. She wanted those times back....and fast._

"Olivia!" Dr. Lindstrom's voice filtered through her very dark thoughts, and she snapped back to reality. 

"Sorry," she cleared her throat. 

"It's alright. I asked you how things were at the new place, how you were adjusting, and you spaced out on me. Care to share what the memory was?" he inquired gently.

"Savina's sick," she blurted out, and he frowned at her. "This morning I opened the fridge, and I found ginger ale. She's the one who does the grocery shopping, and sometimes even asks Mason to do it, so I have no idea what she buys. But I know my daughter; she hates ginger ale, and Gouda cheese. And this morning, there was ginger ale in the fridge, and a plate with toast and Gouda cheese on the counter," she ranted, almost as if it explained it all, but when she looked up from her hands, she saw the still confused look on her therapist's face. "They settle her stomach, she can only bring herself to eat any of those when she's got an upset stomach, they're the only things she doesn't hurl."

"She's been keeping the fact that she's sick from you," he realized, frowning once more when she shook her head. 

"No, she's not running a fever, she's not pale," she countered. "She's got bloodshot eyes, dark circles, and tries to hide her yawning from me."

"She hasn't been sleeping," he corrected his earlier statement, and she nodded tearfully. "I think that's why my nightmares have improved, she either wakes me up before they get really bad, or somehow manages to lull me back to sleep. Her stomach usually gets upset when she hasn't been sleeping well."

"And you're blaming yourself for that?" he offered. 

Her tears were flowing down her cheeks by now. "She's fourteen, I'm her mother. I'm supposed to protect her, to know when she's sick. I'm the one who's supposed to chase away the nightmares, make her breakfast......" 

Dr. Lindstrom interrupted her. "Olivia, you've been through a terrible ordeal, you're gonna need time to recover, to get back on your feet," he tried to calm her, but she seemed to get more agitated.

"I know, I know all that. I've said those exact words to victims countless times, I know it's a process. I've been through it before. But I have a daughter, a teenager who suddenly found herself taking over the role of caregiver," she countered in frustration. 

"There's something else?" he coaxed her gently. 

"Most people have this pitty look in their eyes, even my squad - except for Fin - and I know that look all too well because they use it on victims all the time. Some of them thought that I would throw myself into work head-first to try and get my mind off of things, and I can see the shock in their eyes that I actually took the time off. I can see the sympathy, the surprise, and the sadness in their eyes at how Lewis got to me," she explained, her voice choking slightly by the end. 

"And Savina has the same look in her eyes?" he wondered, his voice slightly confused. He had met Savina after Olivia's first session, and the teenager seemed to have her head on right. He didn't see any of those emotions in her eyes, he merely saw worry in them. 

"No," she whispered, almost brokenly. "Savina is the same. All I see is worry, but that's always there when something big happens. She doesn't tiptoe around me, she doesn't step on eggshells. She talks to her friends, watches movies with me, sometimes even goes out during my sessions," she listed.

"But...." he encouraged. 

"But when it comes to touching me...." she breathed, her lips quivering. "When she hugs me, or leans against me on the couch while we're watching a movie. Even when we go to bed, she usually snuggles up to me, but for the past two weeks - aside from the first night - she stays on the other side of the bed, her body almost stiff." 

"She's worried that she'll hurt you, trigger you somehow, or aggravate an injury without knowing," he realized gently, and she nodded. 

"I don't know how to talk to her about this, about any of this. I don't know if I should tell her about what happened, or shield her from it completely. Do I mention the upset stomach, or pretend like I didn't notice? I don't know what to do. He told me he'd find a way to take her from me, and I think he succeeded in taking  _me_ away. It's like I forgot how to be her mother anymore."

"You didn't forget anything, Olivia. You caught on to the signs of her sleep depravation, of her upset stomach. You know her well enough to read the emotions in her eyes, in her body language. He didn't take that away, he never could," Dr. Lindstrom refuted gently. "This is uncharted territory for both of you. I know that you were nearly assaulted a few years ago while undercover, but you said she was nine, so I highly doubt she thought anything was amiss. And if she did, you managed to write it off as something else."

"And it helped me recover," Olivia interjected. 

"She was your lifeline before, she has always been your reason for living. I know you feel guilty for leaning on her, but it's not the same as what your mother did. You're not taking your frustration or anger out on her, you're simply leaning slightly on her in an attempt to regain your footing in life. She's letting you do that, she wants to help. So maybe try telling her that she doesn't have to be so careful around your body anymore, and that you will let her know if she hurts you accidently. She's guarded because she doesn't think you'll tell her if she hurts you."

* * *

 

Olivia kept contemplating Dr. Lindstrom's words all the way back to the apartment. The entire squad had come by one by one during the first week, and she had seen Savina texting them often with updates. She knew Nick called a few times, as well as Cragen and Munch. It surprised her that Fin hadn't tried calling since his last visit, he texted her, but didn't call, nor did he ask to come over. She smiled politely at the doorman, and tried her best not to have a full-on panic attack when two men entered the elevator with her. She had already signed up for a self-defense class that was supposed to start next week, and it would really piss her off if she got attacked again before she got the chance to learn some advanced ways to defend herself, other than the basics they teach you in the Academy. She quickly made her exit on her floor, and dashed towards the door. She threw a look over her shoulder at Mason's door when she heard movement, and even though she would never admit it, but it made her feel better knowing that he was close. Nothing made a girl feel safer than having a former special forces for a neighbor. 

The second the door opened, she could smell the distinct mix of after-shave and perfume that Fin usually wears, and one quick scan of the open-floor had her eyes landing on his hoodie discarded on the back of the couch. She knew it was his day off, but she couldn't see him anywhere, nor could she hear a single sound. She quickly scanned the living room again, the door still open behind her, and found Savina's phone lying on the coffee table, and she saw the tissue peeking out from the tissue box moving slightly. She quickly cut her eyes over to the balcony, and true to her suspicions, found the door open, with two figures leaning against the rails, their back turned to her. She immediately recognized one of the blurry figures behind the curtains as Savina, and she had no doubt that the other one was Fin. She moved closer to the balcony, about to call them out and let them know of her presence, when Savina's exhausted voice reached her ears. 

"I usually try to get some sleep during the day, or when she's out for her sessions, but Diana wanted me to hang out with them, and archery lessons are back on...." she trailed off. 

"So you're basically running on close to zero sleep," Fin finished for her, his concern evident, and Savina merely chuckled at him. "Babygirl, you're gonna kill yourself like that," he chastised gently. 

"I do go to sleep, Fin," she retorted gently. "But if I'm in too deep, I usually wake up to her thrashing. If I'm awake, or half awake, I usually catch it before it gets that bad, and I manage to lull her back to sleep."

Olivia smiled despite the grim situation, proud at how thoughtful Savina was, but at the same time pained at the toll this was all taking on her. 

"And I think it's great that you're doing this for her. But how long do you think you can keep this up? I'm sure she's aware of the toll it's taking on you, and it won't help her much when your body finally caves in and crashes. Pace yourself, make sure you can last long, instead of giving it all in the get-go and wearing yourself thin."

"I know, Fin. But I can't. You know how she is. She tries to stay up some nights, spaces out during the day. She doesn't wanna talk to me about it, and she sure as hell won't tell me if she needs anything." She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, completely oblivious to her mother's presence, and the turmoil within her at the exchanged words. 

"She's got everything she needs right here," Fin said calmly, placing a hand on Savina's shoulder. "You being there for her means more to her than you'll ever know. You know you're her lifeline, you know that you're the one who gets her through the tough times. It won't help her in any way if you get yourself sick."

At this point, Olivia had decided that she heard enough, that she needed to let them know of her existence. She couldn't hear another word about how her fourteen-year old was forced to become the adult in their relationship. How she was making herself sick in an effort to help Olivia, and thought it was the only way since she knew Olivia would never ask. She thought it was to protect her, but it appeared that she misjudged.

She walked back to the door, and made a point of closing it loudly, before she called out to her daughter. Both of them appeared from the balcony, and Olivia smiled warmly at Fin. It made sense why she thought Fin didn't come around since the first time he did after they released her from the hospital. He came during her sessions, and spent some time with Savina, trying to get her to talk a bit, to decompress some of the stress no fourteen year old should carry. She didn't know how to thank him, and she was sure that she'll never be able to repay him. 

Fin smiled softly at her, as he stuffed his hands inside his pockets. It had amazed her how he never seemed to look at her with pity, with a patronizing look. How he never gave her any of placards they say to the victims. He simply stood by her, took her at her own pace, texted her a couple of times a day, and helped out wherever he could. She loved him for it. He had done the same thing with her after Harris, and this time was no different. Last time he kept her secret about group therapy, and about the assault all together. And this time he was helping out with her daughter when she herself couldn't. 

"How've you been? I've been by a couple of times, but I keep missing you," he spoke gently, his tone soft, without a hint of reprimand or pity, just compassion and worry. The same two things she saw in his eyes, as well as the brown pair of the teenager standing next to him. 

"Yeah, thank you. You didn't have to do that," she spoke softly, as she moved to hug her friend. 

"How long has Cragen been tryin' to get me in a suit?" he retorted, and she grinned against his shoulder. "I never do anything I don't want." He smiled, and she was grateful that he was still normal around her.

"Thank you," she whispered, and he instinctively knew that she didn't just mean him coming over. He tightened his arms around her, and turned his head to press a quick kiss to the side of her head. "Any time, Liv." 

And she knew he meant it, he had been the one constant father-figure in Savina's life since he met her, the unlikely friend she frequently found in her corner, the one who helped her through the weeks after Elliot up and left without a word, the one who endured Savina's tantrums as a kid, and emotional drama as a teenager. Savina had been infintely closer to him than she ever was to Elliot, and it had always irritated the latter, and surprised Olivia. She once asked Savina how come she was closer to Fin, even though she was around Elliot more, and her answer had been simple. 'He sees everything as black and white, and the world isn't like that. He's got certain convictions that he refuses to change no matter what, but wouldn't mind forgetting all about it when it comes to him.'

And in the end, Savina had been right. It turned out that Fin was far more reliable than Elliot was. 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so sorry for the late update. I wish I can promise a more regular update, but I sadly can't. I have a few stories in progress at the moment, and it really depends on which characters my brain decides to obsess over. 
> 
> I do hope that you will all like this chapter.
> 
> One favor, I have published a story here that is an AU based on a Turkish series, and I know that it may not be known, so it would be like an original piece for most of you, and I was hoping you could pop-in and check it out. It's called Bir Ask Hikayesi (A Love Story-Second Chance) and it's on my profile. The description is in the summary. 
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> Thank you.


	10. Chapter 10

"A few years ago," Olivia started, her eyes staring at nothing in particular at Lindstrom's office. "My old partner's daughter saw a man's body lit on fire," she remembered, the far-off look in her eyes increasing as she spoke, before they focused on Lindstrom once more. "She had nightmares for weeks, would wake up screaming and sweating," she continued. "He asked a psychiatrist about it at the time, and he told him that it was a perfectly normal reaction."

"This is the reaction you were expecting from Savina," Lindstrom provided when she fell silent, and her eyes fell to her fidgeting fingers. 

"It's hard to have nightmares if you don't sleep," she retorted. "I heard her talking to Finn last week about how she makes sure she doesn't fall in too deep when she sleeps so she can pull me out of the nightmares before they get bad," she recounted her daughter's words, her heart aching with each word. 

"Her stomach still upset?" he wondered, and she tearfully nodded. "Her archery lessons started again, and I made her go to them. Try to get her out of the apartment a little, and I schedule my sessions during them so she wouldn't worry. So whatever sleep she used to steal during the day is gone," she told him. 

"She used to sleep during the day?" he wondered, finding it out of character for someone this attentive to willingly go to sleep during the day and leave Olivia to her demons. 

"Not willingly, we'd be watching something, or she'd be reading a book or something, and she would just fall asleep. And I'm sure she used to sleep while I'm here. But it's usually for an hour or so," she corrected. "But even that hasn't been happening lately. And she's starting to get migraines because of it now," she whispered. 

"Have you tried talking to her about any of this?" he asked, and she shook her head. 

"I almost did so many times, but I don't know what to say." 

"Olivia, do you think this process would've been easier if she wasn't around?" he wondered, and she gaped at him in shock and horror alike. 

* * *

  _Casey and Simone Pryce were both walking towards her, now that Carrie wasn't going to be convicted of first degree murder, both with understanding in their eyes, and a bit of sadness at the emotional armor they say in hers. She got up when they reached the bench she was sitting on, and she slipped her hands into her coat pocket._

_"Thank you," Simone said sincerely, and Olivia nodded._

_"I've been there," she stated quietly._

_"You didn't kill your mother, Olivia," Casey refuted._

_"I pointed a gun at her. It wasn't just the one time I told you about. I came very close," Olivia shot back adamantly, as they made their way out of the courtroom._

_"Liv," she heard Elliot call her name, and she saw him coming towards her, with Savina bundled up in his arms._

_"El, what's going on?" she asked, as she rushed towards them, and reached for her seemingly sleeping daughter._

_Savina cracked an eye open at the sound of Olivia's voice, and leaned towards her, just as Elliot explained. "School called, said she spiked a fever. They gave her something for it, but she got sick on our way here, so I think that's out."_

_Olivia wordlessly gathered Savina in her arms, the latter immediately dropping her head onto her mother's shoulder, and nuzzling her neck. "Baby, you're burning up," Olivia commented once she felt Savina's skin against her own._

_"Can we go home?" Savina whined._

_"Of course we can, baby," Olivia assured her, as she turned around to look at Elliot._

_"I already called Cragen and told him, he said you can take a few days off until she's back on her feet," he told her, just as something finally slid into place in Casey's head._

_"Liv," she called gently, and waited till Olivia looked at her before she continued. "The gun," she alluded, looking pointedly at the six-year old brunette clinging to the detective, and Olivia nodded. "When I told her I was pregnant," she said softly._

_"I didn't know you had a daughter," Simone commented. "She's beautiful," she complimented._

_"Thank you," Olivia smiled back, before she turned her attention to Savina. "Baby, say hi to my friend Simone."_

_Savina lazily lifted her head off Olivia's shoulder, and gave Simone an exhausted smile. "Hi, I'm Savina Benson," she mumbled, half-sleepily, half-tired._

_"Hi, Savina. That's a very pretty name. You look just like your mother," Simone cooed, as Savina dropped her head back onto Olivia's shoulder, the last remark making her grin ruefully at the red-haired lawyer._

_"Olivia," Casey's voice brought Olivia back from whatever far-off place her mind had wandered to, and the distant look in her eye remained as she held Casey's gaze. "Do you ever regret any of this?" she inquired pointedly, her gaze dropping briefly to the miniature version wrapped in her arms._

_"Never. Not even for a second."_

* * *

Olivia couldn't believe that she was hearing that question yet again. Was it something she did that made people think she regretted having her? Something she said? Why would people ask her if she thought things would be better without Savina?

Her eyes suddenly grew a bit darker, and her voice gained an edge to it that wasn't there mere minutes before. "I have never regretted my decision, nor was there ever a question if I was going to keep her. She's my child, and I couldn't imagine what my life would be without her." 

"I know. And I'm not saying you regret her existence. But do you think this recovery would've been easier if she's not with you?" he amended his words a little, but it did nothing to calm her.

"She's the reason why I survived. If it hadn't been for her, I never would've made it out of that beach house alive, never would've found the strength to fight for four days. If it hadn't been for her, my squad would've found my body. Lewis thought that bringing her up would break me, but it gave me the strength to keep fighting. She's the reason why I pulled through. If she wasn't there, this recovery process wouldn't have been possible. Because I wouldn't have had a reason to get back up," she shot back adamantly. 

"I know all of that, Olivia. I know that she was the reason why you pulled through some pretty tough situations before, why you keep fighting, and probably why you're still in SVU after all these years. But that wasn't my question. I think you may have misunderstood me, so let me put it this way. Do you think it would've been easier on you if she was staying with somebody else until you got back up on your feet? If she didn't have to see you like this, would that have made it easier on you?" 

His words deflated all of the anger that was swirling within her mere minutes ago, and left her physically drained. She would be lying if she said the thought never crossed her mind. "I thought about it," she whispered dejectedly. "I thought I'd ask Finn to take her until I can get back on my feet...." she trailed off. 

"But....." he urged.

"But she's how I make it through the day to day. Her voice as she talks, or sings along to a song, or simply hums drowns out Lewis's; I can't fall asleep at night if she's not in bed with me; her head in my lap when we're sitting on the couch watching a movie or something is what stops my mind from wandering back to that beach house; the sight of her as she moves around the apartment stops the flood of images of what he did to Mrs. Mayers," she listed, taking in a shuddering breath before she continued. "But it's killing her. She's not sleeping, she only goes out during my sessions. She still teases me about things, and her conversations are normal, but....." she paused, and finally looked at Lindstrom rather than the varying objects around his office. "But she's still guarded when it comes to physical contact. She knows my injuries are all healed since I'm not guarded with my movements any more. Hell, I even signed up for a self-defense class, so she knows I'm fine. Most of the visible scars are almost healed, and she knows they don't hurt me anymore. So I don't understand why she's still so scared to touch me. It terrifies me to think that Lewis succeeded in ripping us apart. He said he would do it," she finished. 

"Maybe it's not fear of physical harm. Maybe she's worried she'll trigger a memory somehow. Keep in mind that she doesn't know the details of what happened, and therefore, has no idea what might and might not trigger you. Lewis wanted to get inside your head. You said he wanted you to remember him every time you look at her, but you just told me that she's the one who chases the demons away. He didn't succeed in that. But if you don't talk to her, tell her that you will let her know if she triggers you, then that rift between might keep growing. You haven't let him get his way so far, so don't start now."

* * *

 When Olivia walked back into her apartment, the last thing she expected was the sight that greeted her. The ending theme of some movie was playing idly on the TV, mixed in with a soft snoring voice. Finn had his feet up on her coffee table, his head resting on the backrest of the couch, one arm hanging loosely off the side, while the other draped over a peacefully sleeping Savina. She had a pillow perched up against him, and a throw blanket covering her. She tiptoed towards them, trying her best not to make any noises so as to not startle them, and stood at Savina's feet watching them. Savina looked peaceful, deep in slumber, as she hugged one of the couch cushions to her chest. She smiled softly at the sight. Finn's ability to calm down Savina had always amazed her, and the blind trust she placed in him she never put in anyone besides Olivia herself. She had always thought that she would be too close to Elliot because of how much he was around, but Finn was the one Savina always turned to. He was the one she seeked comfort from when something bad would happen. She loved Munch and Cragen, but Finn held a very special place in her heart, as she did in his. It had been that way since the first time he met her, at Serena's funeral.

Her babysitter couldn't watch her that day, and she didn't know where to leave her, so Elliot suggested that they bring her. She wasn't even two yet, and he told her that she won't understand what's happening, and might help keep Olivia's mind off of things. He was right. She often found herself hugging the toddler tighter to her chest as mourners told her how wonderful her late mother was. Finn had showed up a bit later than the rest, and his face broke into a smile when he saw the inquisitive brown eyes looking at him curiously. His voice had immediately taken on a softer tone, as he spoke with the near two-year old, and she quickly warmed up to him. She even allowed him to take her out of her mother's arms, when she had adamantly refused to let Elliot or Jefferies take her. She spent the majority of the funeral perched on his hip, her small fingers had found the silver chain he had around his neck, and she pulled it out to play with it. By the time the service was over, she was fast asleep, her head resting on his shoulder, both hands fisted around his shirt. 

And it had been like that ever since, whenever she came into the squad room, she would greet her mother, and then make a beeline for Finn's desk. She knew where he kept the snacks, and whether he was there or not, she would always raid them. And even as a teenager, Olivia often would walk out of an interview or an interrogation, and find her sitting on top of his desk deep in conversation. And even though Elliot never admitted it, but he was always jealous of their relationship. And Finn had once confessed to her that Savina was the reason why he had a relationship with his son. 

She didn't know how long she stood there watching them together, before Savina stirred slightly in her sleep as she moved onto her back, still deep in sleep, but the movement was enough for Finn's eyes to snap open, and immediately look over at the teenager sleeping next to him. 

"She's asleep, don't worry," Olivia assured him, as she adjusted the blanket around Savina, and pushed some of her hair back. 

"How long have you been standing there?" Finn asked, his voice still a bit groggy with the last bits of sleep. 

"Not long," she replied, as she perched herself on the coffee table next to him. 

He checked his watch, and looked down fondly at Savina. "She's been out for two hours," he told her. 

"I can't thank you enough. Nobody knows how to calm her like that except for you," she said sincerely. "I'm glad you're here for her," she added. 

"You know I'm always here for the both of you," he corrected her gently. "How've you been?" he asked. It was the first time he had asked her since they rescued her. 

She shrugged. "Baby steps, one foot in front of the other." 

"That's all anyone can hope for," he told her. "Stop worrying about other people's expectations, about what they want from you. What you went through, it was the unthinkable. Pace yourself, don't do anything you're not ready for," he advised her gently. 

She smiled thankfully at him, as she felt the tears prick her eyes. "I can't afford to do this at a leisurely pace, I have a daughter," she shot back gently. 

"And this is exactly why you should do this at a slow pace, so you can heal properly, and get back on your feet. She would much rather you take your time, than spend the rest of your lives battling demons."

"Does....um....does she talk to you?" she stammered. 

"Yes, she does," he answered simply. 

She nodded tearfully. "Good, I'm glad that she's talking to someone."

"You need to talk to her as well," he stated. "You don't have to tell her any details, but at least let her know how much she's helping you."

"I don't know what to say," she confessed. 

"Just speak from the heart, Liv," he said, as he sat up straight, mindful of Savina, and took her hand in his. "I know you want to protect her from what happened, shield her from all the horrors we see in this world. Hell, that's my first instinct when she asks me about anything. I still remember the day she was taken, and my heart sinks if she doesn't pick up the first time I call her," he told her, and she was surprised that she wasn't the only one who still thought about that day. "But sometimes talking to them, and explaining things, is better than hiding them and keeping them in the dark. Opens them up to all kinds of creeps," he finished. 

"You know that day, when the SWAT team captain came to talk to me, I heard her tell you guys that she kept telling Jason to let her go because if you guys got your hands on him, he will definitely need a doctor," she recounted, and he smiled. 

"She was clutching my shirt, and refused to let me unwrap the jacket from around her, or move my arms an inch. But the faith she had in us...." he trailed off, his eyebrows rising slightly. "It's the kind of faith only kids are capable of having...the kind of faith she held on to for four days," he alluded. 

"How was she?" she asked him, she knew he would be the only person who would see past Savina's hard exterior.

"When you didn't pick up your phone, I called her, and when she said she had gone out, I had a bad feeling. So Amanda and I went to the apartment, we found Mason, Demetri and Sam waiting for Diana downstairs," he started his tale.

"That's why Lewis left, Mason drove her home," she interrupted, and Finn furrowed his eyebrows. 

"What do you mean?" he wondered. 

"Lewis parked the car across the street from the building, and said he'll wait for her to come home," she told him. 

"He wanted her too?" Finn asked in horror, the arm that was still draped over Savina instinctively becoming less of a casual gesture, and more of a protective one.

"Yeah, he wanted to make me watch," she whispered tearfully. 

"Son of a bitch!" 

"But I guess when he saw Mason driving her home, he knew that he couldn't make his move," she concluded. 

"Especially that Diana went up with her," he told her. "When Mason saw me and Amanda, the boys followed us upstairs because she wasn't answering the intercom. The door was open, and Diana was holding her back. Mason had went around the back to check the fire escape, and the boys were with her, so Amanda and I went inside. I came back out when I realized that you weren't inside, and that Lewis had you. She knew by the look on my face that you were gone, and I couldn't lie to her," he narrated. "It took us almost an hour to convince her to go to the precinct..." he trailed off, his eyes gaining a sad, far-off look as he recalled the horrible events that transpired after that. "Once she got to the precinct, she didn't shed a single tear, she wasn't hysterical. She was worried, fidgeting, but she held it together. She knew you were tough, knew you would fight like hell to come back to her. And she knew that we will find you. And that faith never faltered," he finished. 

"Nick and Amanda said she lost it on Vanessa, that it took about six people to hold her back," she stated, and he chuckled. 

"That was a sight to behold," he recalled, his face breaking into a proud smile. "Vanessa was still arrogantly claiming Lewis's innocence, and the NYPD's vendetta against him when we were bringing her into the station, and Savina was out in the ballpen talking to Munch. When Cragen told her for what seemed like the umpteenth time that he took you, she claimed that you were probably the one who pursued him," his voice had taken on a slight edge, and the underlying anger wasn't lost on her. "Savina lost it when she heard that. And I gotta say, I quite enjoyed the look of pure horror on that arrogant lawyer's face," he took a deep breath. "She was sitting at my desk when you called," he finished. 

"Yeah, she thought I was dead when you guys didn't call her," she told him.

"I was gonna call her, but not before I asked you what you wanted her to know, or if you want her to come to the hospital. But she beat us to it."

"I know that she leaned on you the most through all of this, and I can't thank you enough," she thanked him sincerely.

"Baby girl, enough with this nonsense. You know how much you both mean to me," he said, as he pulled her into a hug. "Anything I can do to help, all you have to do is ask."

* * *

About two hours later, Olivia was sitting on the floor, her back resting on the couch that Savina was still sleeping on, her eyes fixed on the TV as she watched the movie that Finn had left behind. She had the subtitles on, and muted the sound to avoid waking Savina. She didn't even fix herself any lunch, worrying that the rustle in the kitchen might wake her, and settled for a cup of juice, and some yogurt.

She felt Savina shift slightly, and she looked over at her in time to see her eyes flutter open. She smiled softly at her once they stayed open, and paused the movie, before she moved closer to the teenager's head.

"Hey," Savina greeted sleepily.

"Hey yourself," Olivia said softly, as she leaned up and kissed her forehead.

"How long have I been sleeping?" Savina asked, her eyes looking for her phone.

"About four hours," Olivia replied, and Savina groaned. "I have got to stop doing this to him. Every time he comes over on his day off to watch a movie, or play a game, I end up dozing off."

Olivia smiled gently at her. "And yet, he still comes every time," she refuted gently. "I know you haven't been sleeping much," Olivia stated, and Savina shrugged. "I sleep fine, I just wake up a few times a night that's all." 

"My nightmares haven't been as frequent lately, and I suspect that it has something to do with you," she alluded, and Savina shrugged. "Not really," she denied it.

"I heard your conversation with Finn last week," she confessed, one hand coming up to stroke her hair gently, and she felt Savina stiffen. "I know you pull me out of the nightmares, which means you stay up most nights," she said, her other hand now taking a hold of Savina's. "I know that this can't be easy on you, and I don't know what I would've done without you. You're the one who keeps the demons away, always have and always will. You never were and never will be a trigger, you're the one thing keeping me sane. And the burns have healed too, so you don't have to worry about them either," she soothed, her hand now moving to rub soothing circles on her back when she saw the unshed tears in her eyes. "And if I do need something, I promise I'll tell you. You don't have to worry constantly anymore," she promised. 

"Promise?" Savina whispered, her voice reminding Olivia of the five year old who used to make her promise she'll buy her ice cream on the way back.

Olivia got up from her position, and sat down on the couch. "Come here, baby," she beckoned, and to her delight, Savina didn't hesitate. She sat up immediately, and for the first time in nearly a month, threw her arms around Olivia's neck, buried her face in her neck, and allowed her full weight to collapse into her mother's arms. 

"I promise," Olivia murmured tearfully into her hair, before she kissed her lovingly. 

"I love you," Savina mumbled, as she tightened her arms around her. 

"I love you, baby."


	11. Chapter 11

Her brain was still not quite fully awake when her eyes fluttered open, her vision still slightly foggy as she stared at the blurry red numbers on the bedside alarm. She felt rested, there was no headache, no achiness anywhere else...that much she did know. She blinked a few more times to clear her vision, frowning slightly at the bright numbers, her brain still not quite ready to make the connection just yet. It read nine, with the small letter at the bottom right-hand corner reading AM. The last time she remembered looking at the time the night before, it was almost 2, and now it was nine! That meant she had about seven hours of uninterrupted sleep......completely undisturbed. She didn't remember having a nightmare, her body didn't jerk awake at any point in the night. She usually remembered each nightmare she had, each jerk, each time she woke up covered in sweat. And even if she wanted to forget, her body refusing to move in the morning desperately craving more sleep pretty much meant that she would remember. 

But not this morning, this morning, she woke up on her own accord. No nightmares, no jerking, no screaming.....nothing. Her body wasn't complaining, her brain wasn't fighting her demons for a few more hours of sleep. She felt refreshed, rested....and strangely content. She moved onto her back, stretching her entire body head to toe as she did that, groaning softly as she felt her muscles relax. Her eyes landed on Savina, her head buried in the pillow she hugged to her chest, the covers once more kicked away from her and crumbled at the foot of the bed. Olivia smiled softly at how peaceful Savina looked, as she moved onto her side to face her. One hand found its way into her hair, and she softly started brushing it back. It had been a while since she woke up before Savina, it felt like ages since she had gotten the chance to just contently watch her baby as she slept. Savina was usually the one who woke her up, pulling her out of a nightmare, after which they would decide to give up on sleep for the night. Savina would sometime doze off on the couch during the day, but Olivia would end up fighting the demons that Lewis planted inside her head on her own for that hour or so. She hadn't gotten the chance to just look at Savina, brush her hair, and reflect on millions of memories of the two of them since that fateful Tuesday morning. She inched closer to her, trying her best not to jostle the bed too much as she did, before she wrapped one arm around her body, and gently rested her forehead against Savina's. She smiled when Savina instinctively snuggled closer to her, and she feathered a soft kiss to her forehead, her thumb moving subconsciously on Savina's back. When Savina nestled her head into the crook of her neck, Olivia moved her other arm under Savina, as gently as possible, the rest of her body slowly moving closer to Savina, as the other hand gently pried the pillow away from her arms.

She hadn't done any of this in nearly a month, and she was worried she had lost her touch. But when all Savina did was burrow closer to her, and moved one arm around her waist, her worries were laid to rest. She buried her nose and mouth into the hair at the top of her head, and for the first time in a very long time, she took in her scent, without needing it to push away any demons, to keep her head to the ground. Today, for the first time in a month, she took in her daughter's scent simply because she missed her baby. She missed feeling her weight against her chest as she slept; the way her breath tickled her upper chest; how Savina hummed contently when Olivia pressed a kiss to her head; the way she rubbed her face in Olivia's chest, as she tightened her arm around her waist. She missed it all, she missed being her mom, not just a mother-figure ghosting through her life like she had been for the past month. She tightened her arms around Savina, and tried hard to fight against the tears that threatened to fall at how good it felt to finally hold her baby like that.....to finally  _cradle_ her like that against her chest. 

* * *

  _It was a beautiful Sunday morning, she felt the sun filter through the partially closed blinds, and she smiled contently when she felt the steady heartbeat beneath her cheek. She snuggled more into the warmth radiating off the body next to her, humming contently when she felt him rub her back comfortingly and press a soft kiss to the top of her head._

_"Why are you awake?" he mumbled into her hair._

_"Force of habit, I guess," she answered huskily, her voice still hoarse from sleep._

_"You don't take many weekends off?" he asked, and she sighed. "Even on the ones I take off, Savina usually wakes me up around this time," she told him, and he frowned._

_"A teenager who wakes up early on a Sunday? Why, Detective, I believe you may have discovered an endangered specie," he joked and she laughed, as she leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips._

_"She zombie walks to the bathroom, and then zombie-snuggles into me. We usually sleep for a few more hours like that, and catch some late breakfast, or brunch somewhere," she said._

_"That why you pulled on clothes last night?" he wondered, as he eyed his dress shirt which she had pulled over her sweatpants._

_She looked down at her attire for a moment, before she looked back at him. "No, she won't actually do that knowing that you're here. This....this is just force of habit, I guess," she explained hastily. "Why didn't you say something?" she wondered, as she now remembered that he had merely mirrored her movements, pulling his jeans and undershirt on, before joining her in bed once more._

_He kissed her forehead reassuringly, seeing the hesitance in her eyes. "I'm a parent, Liv. I know that kids can walk in on you any minute, and I know that it was probably force of habit from when she was younger. I won't ever ask you to put me before her. Kids always come first," he assured her softly, before kissing her gently on the lips. They both heard the door open, as the distant sound of flushing reached them._

_"She's up," Olivia whispered, and he nodded, as he got up. "I'll be right back," he told her, and quickly made his way out of the room. She frowned when she heard some groans, and objections coming from the living room. She could distinctly hear Savina's sleepy voice as she growled David's name, followed by the shuffling of feet. She was about to get up to see what's going on, when Savina appeared in the doorway, sleepily trying to resist David's hand, who was gently guiding her into the room._

_Olivia looked questioningly at him, but he simply ignored her looks, and continued to guide Savina towards the bed._

_"David, you don't have to do this," Savina protested, but he simply shook his head back, and pulled the covers back._

_"Savina, I didn't spend the night with you two to make you guys change any routines," he shot back, as he pushed her down on the bed, and Olivia finally realized what he was doing. "I can sleep in your room, or take the couch. You barely get to see your mom during the week, I don't wanna take away during the weekends too," he added._

_Savina was fresh out of protests, a miracle on it's own, and a lifetime first, which she would've chalked up to sleepiness later. So she just laid down next to her mother, snuggled into her, and was out cold before David had made it to the door. Olivia had her arms wrapped Savina, one hand softly running through her hair, as she watched her sleep. She didn't know how long she was like that, when she felt someone watching her. She looked up and saw Davina leaning against the doorframe, watching them both, an inexplicable expression on his face, but his eyes were warm, so Olivia wasn't worried, just curious. She rested her head on top of Savina's, her fingers still running through her hair, as she looked questioningly at him. "What?" she whispered._

_"You still cradle her," he observed, and she frowned at him, not understanding what he meant._

_He pushed off the doorframe, and walked further into the room. He sat down at the edge of the bed, his hand absentmindedly fixing the covers around Savina as he spoke. "I've seen many mothers interact with their children, my ex-wife was an amazing mother. I've spent countless hours watching the kids sleep in her arms," he started. "Mothers usually **hold** their kids, no matter how tight their arms are around their kids, they  **hold** them," he continued, and she was still looking at him, absolutely confused. "You  **cradle** her, Liv. It's the same way a new mother cradles her newborn baby," he finally explained, and she couldn't help but smile at him, her arms reflexively tightening around Savina. "At a certain age, a mother stops  **cradling** her children, and starts  **holding** them. But you never did, you never lost it. Every time I look at the way you hug her, the way you look at her, the way she's sleeping against you right now, one word comes to mind; cradle. I've never seen anyone like that with their kids, it's a rare quality, Liv."_

* * *

 She smiled sadly when she remembered how he and Savina were with each other, how he made her feel. She hadn't laughed like that in a while before him, and not even Cassidy could make her smile like that. He was the one boyfriend who genuinely made time for Savina, who took care of her. She remembered the pain that shot through her when he told her that they have to pretend as if nothing had happened between them because they never disclosed in time. It had been the first relationship where she was genuinely happy, and it seemed like it was going to be the one to last, but then it all came to an abrupt end. She remembered that after the first wave of pain washed away, she remembered that she won't be the only one heartbroken over this. 

  _She sighed sadly, closing her eyes as her brain finally caught up to the repercussions of what he was telling her._

_"This...us....never really happened," she whispered brokenly, and he nodded his head, equally devastated._

_"You don't have to worry about Savina, she won't say a word," she told him, past the ever growing lump in her throat._

_"I'll call her myself and explain it all to her, Liv," he informed her, but she shook her head. "You don't have to do that, I can handle her," she protested, but he shook his head adamantly. "I won't be just another guy who walks out of her life without a word, Liv. She deserves better, she deserves to hear it from me," he shot back firmly._

And he had kept his word, by the time she made it home, Savina was curled up on the couch, her face clenched as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. It had broke her heart that Savina had to lose him, he had been the only person - aside from Finn- to truly take care of her like that since the day she was born. It was one of the reasons why she had thought that this would be the one relationship that lasted. She could picture him arguing with Savina well into the wee hours of the morning on weekends, and fighting over the scrabble board. Savina had simply snuggled up to her that evening, and had even slept in her bed. The only person who knew about that relationship was Finn, because Savina had refused to talk about the toll it was taking on her at all, so eventually Olivia told Finn to try and talk to Savina. When she saw less dark circles under her eyes, she realized that Finn must've gotten her to open up. 

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Savina's movements within her arms, and she looked down at her in time to see her pry her eyes open. She smiled softly when those warm chocolate orbs met hers. 

"Morning, baby," she whispered in greeting, her heart swelling when she saw true happiness shining within Savina's irises. 

"Morning. Look who's up on her own?" Savina joked. "I guess I can retire my job as an alarm clock," she teased and Olivia chuckled, as she leaned down and kissed her forehead. 

"How about you simply resume your duties as my own personal snuggler?" she suggested, and Savina smiled radiantly at her. 

"My pleasure, Detective," she quipped, and Olivia laughed, genuinely laughed. 

"What do you say we grab breakfast at Marco's?" she suggested, and Savina simply snuggled into her in response. 

* * *

 

They were sitting at their usual table, a small table for two by the flower beds overlooking the sidewalk. They each their hot drink of choice, as they waited for their orders to arrive. 

"What?" Savina asked, once she noticed the way her mother was looking at her, and Olivia simply cocked her head to the side in question. "You've looked like you had something on your mind all morning, but can't decide whether or not to tell me," Savina explained, and Olivia chuckled. "Am I really that transparent?" she joked, as she leaned forward to rest her elbows on the table. "Not really. But you see, my mother happens to be a detective with the NYPD, and she taught me how to read people," Savina teased. 

Olivia laughed out loud, a genuine laugh that Savina had not heard in awhile, one that was truly heartfelt. "Come on, Mom, out with it," she encouraged. 

"I was thinking this morning," Olivia started. "About the few boyfriends that I've had since you were born," she continued, and Savina nodded. "There were a few that you were  _okay_ with, and some you flat out hated. The only one you ever gave a chance, was David Haden," she said, and Savina averted her eyes, before her mother saw the sadness there. David Haden was the one boyfriend Savina had gotten attached to, and he was still a sore spot to her. "I mean, you barely tolerated Brian, and he's known you since you were a baby," she finished, and Savina chuckled. "According to Finn, I never liked him as a baby either," she said softly, and Olivia furrowed her eyebrows at her. 

"You didn't like him at all?" Olivia wondered, and Savina shook her head. "You know why David was the only one I liked? The one I got close to?" she inquired, and Olivia shook her head. "He was the only one who didn't treat me like I was just a part of a package that he had to deal with. He talked to me, asked me how school was. It wasn't forced. He spoke to me, not at me or about me," she explained. "His interest was genuine, he made sure I was a part of the plans you guys made, he didn't try to cut me out, didn't make it seem like he was compromising every time he had to change his plans because of me, or when he would have to include me," she continued. "I mean, he was the only person who actually got up on a Sunday morning and dragged me to your room so I wouldn't miss out on our Sunday routine," she recalled that day, smiling when she saw her mother's eyes light up at the mention of that day. "And he actually called to let me know why you two had to end things," she added softly. "Others didn't even bother to call and let us know they're alive," she alluded, and Olivia knew she was talking about Elliot. 

"Is that why you broke up with Cassidy? Because I didn't like him?" she wondered, and Olivia shook her head. "No, nothing had changed in the span of 13 years. We still didn't want the same things," Olivia lied, truth was, they had broken up over Savina. 

* * *

  _It was a nice Friday afternoon, the sun was shining nicely on this May morning, suggesting that they might have a chance at a nice spring. Olivia was sitting at the corner deli with Brian on her lunch break, as they discussed their schedules for the weekend._

_"I should be off tomorrow, if nothing comes up. And I am definitely off on Sunday," she told him, as she took a mouthful of her salad._

_"Okay, so let's aim for Sunday then. We can go up to the beach, have a little picnic," he suggested, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and she smiled._

_"Actually, we can do that tomorrow. Savina is at Diana's house all day, working on a project. Sunday is the only day she's got off, before she starts her last week of school," she informed him, and his enthusiasm from seconds ago was gone. "She can come too, Liv," he said, half-heartedly._

_Olivia arched an eyebrow at him, but tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible. "How about you say it like you mean it, Bri?" she said, and he looked at her._

_"Hey, I have no problem with her. She's the one who seems to have a grudge against me," he defended, and Olivia was barely keeping her patience. "She's a teenager, Bri. They're moody, she doesn't have anything against you. She just needs her space sometimes," she stated, her mama-bear tone seeping through her casual tone._

_"So don't you think letting her decide what to do with her day off would be better?" he shot back, and she took a calming breath before she answered. "Bri, I already promised her that I will try to spend this Sunday with her. I barely saw her all week, and she'll be slammed next week as well. This is the one day I get to have with my daughter," she alluded softly, hoping that he would get the hint._

_"And I'm not trying to get in the middle, Liv. I already said she can join us," he snapped, and Olivia sighed in frustration. It seemed that everyone's comments about how not-so-perceptive he was were right. "And like I already said, we can have our day tomorrow, and she and I can have Sunday. I haven't talked to her in a while, and if there is something going on with her, she won't talk with you around. I need some alone time with my daughter," she explained, as calmly as she could muster, trying her best not to grit on her teeth._

_"So is that the way it's always going to be, Liv?" he asked, doing very little to his irritation._

_"What do you mean?"  she wondered, and he forcefully threw the balled-up tissue he had in his hand on the table between them. "If I want to do something, but she needs to talk to you, we will both have to change what we have planned for her?" he inquired, his voice dripping with both irritation and resentment. "Is it always going be the two of you with me on the outside?" he continued, and she gaped at him._

_"No, of course not. You will both have a place in my life. But if what she wants to talk about is important, and like I said, I haven't seen her in a while, then yes, she will come first. I will always make time to spend with her alone, and you need to understand that. She will always come first, Bri. If you two end up having a relationship of your own, then that would be great. But I will not push her to the side," she stated firmly, and he shook his head. "So I will always be second, I won't be even at the same level?" he wondered, and she shook her head sadly. "She'll always come first," she said._

* * *

 They had broken up that day, because he wasn't okay with that, and he had flat out stated it. But she was not about to tell Savina that. She had thought that maybe time had changed him, but it seemed that he was still the careless, selfish cop she slept with thirteen years prior. He had been jealous of Savina then as well. 

"I know I never told you this, but I actually kept in touch with him," Savina stated, pulling her out of her thoughts, and she frowned. "Haden?" she wondered, and Savina nodded. 

"Yeah, he told me that night that just because you two broke up, doesn't mean he necessarily has to disappear from my life. That if I ever need anything, I should call him," she said, her voice a bit hesitant, so Olivia reached across the table, and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "There was this one case, I don't know the specifics, but you were held at gunpoint," she continued, her voice starting to shake. "I was home, and it was all over the news. I was freaking out, and I called him," she told Olivia, and Olivia was surprised. "He kept me on the phone while he made a few calls to see what the situation was. He stayed with me on the phone until he heard that you were out and safe, made sure I was calm before he hung up. He called me before he left for the Federal Prosecution job, and met me outside of school. I lost contact after that," she finished, and Olivia smiled softly at her. "Why didn't you ever tell me any of this?" she wondered, and Savina shrugged. "He was a sore subject to the both of us. I knew why it couldn't work between you two, and I just didn't want to cause you any pain," she explained, and Olivia shook her head gently. "Baby, you were never a source of pain for me. You're always the one thing that keeps me going, that brings me joy, that keeps my head to the ground," she told her truthfully. 

Savina smiled, that warm, loving smile that never failed to melt Olivia's heart. The look of unconditional love was back, the light was starting to creep back into her eyes, but Olivia still felt like something was off. "What is it baby?" she asked. 

"Thank you," was all Savina said, and Olivia frowned. "For coming back to me," she whispered tearfully, and Olivia smiled at her, as she tried to keep her own tears at bay. "Anything for you, baby," she vowed, as she took ahold of both her hands, and kissed them. 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

She stood there silently, vacantly staring at the tossed living room, her mind racing with hundreds of images from that night. Lewis pointing the gun at her, taunting her about Savina's whereabouts, burning her, cutting her. She could hear footsteps behind her, and nearly jumped out of her skin, until she smelled Fin's cologne. Bless that man for sticking to the same brand for years, that her brain still knew it was him despite the franticness of the memories.

"Savina grew up here," she said, emotions lacing each word. "She took her first steps over there," she added, as she pointed to a corner in the room. "She said 'mama' for the first time here on the couch one night," she continued, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She felt him place a hand on her shoulder, but he knew she wasn't done yet, so he didn't say a word. "We talked about her first crush over there," she pointed to the ledge by the window. "The countless nights of ice creams and movies we spent…." She trailed off, as it all became too much. She took a shuddered breath, and felt Fin squeeze her shoulder, as he pulled her into him, and she leaned into him.

"You don't have to decide what you're gonna do with the apartment now, Liv. Castillo said you can stay in that apartment for as long as you need, he doesn't need it, and it's not like he rents it usually," Fin spoke softly, and she shook her head.

"It's been two months already," she interjected. "I start work next week, and Savina starts school mid-August. I need to find a place and settle down before then, I don't want her to have to move during school."

"Look, I won't even pretend to begin to understand the position you're in," Fin told her, as he shifted to catch her gaze, and she smiled thankfully at him for what he said. "But what I do understand, is your need to protect your child," he added, and she nodded. "Savina is your baby girl, but you have to remember that we all care about her. I've known her since she was 18 months, Liv. Hell, I've spent more time with her than I did with my own kid, and if it weren't for her, I may not have had the relationship I have with him right now. If staying in the Castillo's apartment is what's best for you right now, then you should stay. Savina is more than fine there, it makes it easier for her to hang out with Diana, Mason drops her off and picks her up easily. The building is secure, so you don't have to worry about her when you go back to work," he listed. "Don't change too many variables, Liv. You and I have been doing this long enough to know that too many changes after a trauma isn't good, and may make things worse rather than better," he finished, and she nodded at him.

* * *

"We went there today," she told Lindstrom, and he cocked his head to the side. "To your apartment?" he wondered, and she nodded. "How did that go?" he asked, and she pierced her lips, as she shook her head. "Not good!" she confessed.

"Going back to the scene of the trauma for the first time after the incident can trig…." She cut him off rather abruptly. "I know about all of that, thank you!" she almost snapped.

"I know you do. But being in the situation is different," he said calmly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just….." she paused, not entirely sure what to say. "Savina grew up there, but all I could see when I walked in, was what he did to me," she finally admitted. "He held up the different pictures I have of her, and tried to associate her with what he was doing to me in my mind. I fought hard against it, would tune him out when he did that and focus on something else. I wasn't going to let him take my baby away from me, to take me away from her. But he managed to take away her childhood from me," she said through slightly gritted teeth to keep her tears at bay.

"He didn't take her childhood away, Olivia. He merely took an apartment! She still took her first steps, still said 'mama', still had all her firsts with you. All the memories are still there, you just have to associate them with Savina, and not the apartment," he explained.

"I don't think I'll be able to go back there," she confessed. "And that's okay," he assured her. "But I wouldn't change the living arrangements now. You said you're going back to work next week, so I think you should wait till you adjust to that first, and then start looking for something permanent when it comes to living arrangement," he suggested, and she smiled. "Fin said the same thing."

* * *

She walked out of Lindstrom's building, and stood there for a few minutes. Just staring at the Manhattan traffic as it went by her. She had a few days before she went back to work, and she didn't know how to get ready for that. On the one hand, she wanted to go back, get back in the game. But on the other, she dreaded the looks she was bound to get from everyone around her. Either the sympathetic ones, the patronizing ones, or the 'when will she have a nervous breakdown?' look! That was precisely why she never told anyone about the other close call she had at the prison undercover job a few years back.

She took a deep breath through her nose to calm her frantic thoughts, and decided the best way to handle it all, was to just wait for it to happen, and take it from there. Right now, she was going to spend the day with her daughter.

* * *

She walked into the skating rink where Savina told her they'd be, and found her, Demetri, Sam and Diana on the ice. The place was empty, and she figured that Diana probably booked it for the day. Music filled the deserted hall, and Savina was carelessly dancing along to the beat with Demetri, her laughter mixing in with the music, but to Olivia, it was much more melodic than a thousand sonnets. She spotted Mason occupying one of the chairs overlooking the ice, so she made her way down towards him, smiling warmly at him when he looked up from his phone and saw her.

"Why didn't you join them?" she asked him, and he chuckled. "I twisted my ankle at the gym," he said. "Will you join them?" he wondered, and she shook her head. "Nah, I think I'll stick to watching this time."

Savina was five the first time Olivia took her ice skating, Elliot had convinced her to come with him and Kathy as they took their kids to the rink close to Elliot's house. Savina had clung to her at first, but giggled uncontrollably when Olivia skated around with her, and soon enough she had managed to sway her mind and put her on the ice. Elliot's kids helped her out with Savina, and Olivia herself was a good skater, so the day was a fun one. And Savina had fell in love with it so much, that every time Olivia was off work, she would beg her to go skating. Soon enough, Olivia had signed her up for the figure skating practice, but left the competing decision up to Savina, and she opted not to.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Savina's voice, and she looked over and saw her exiting the rink. She wobbled over on her skates, and for the first time since the incident, she simply plopped down on her lap. "How long have you been here?" she asked, her cheeks flushed, and her eyes sparkling. Two things Olivia hadn't been seeing quite as often as before lately.

"Not long," Olivia answered softly, as she pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Why didn't you join us?" Savina wondered. "I don't have my skates on me, and besides, it's almost lunch time anyway, so I was gonna see what you have planned for that?" she elaborated.

"The three of them have a lunch date with their parents, so I'm all yours," Savina told her.

"You're both more than welcome to join us," Diana pipped up. Olivia smiled warmly at her, but shook her head nonetheless. "Thanks for the offer, sweetie. Maybe some other time," she suggested, and the teenager nodded.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Olivia and Savina had grabbed lunch, which was filled with tales of Savina and her friends, which Olivia enjoyed tremendously. She missed the mindless chatter she would sometimes have with her daughter, be it about the latest movie, or the book, or something silly that happened to either of them. They were walking around Central Park, a cone of ice cream in their hands, as the talking continued. They were trying to decide which movie to go see, when Olivia suddenly halted. Savina looked worriedly at her, trying to see what it was in their surroundings that may have triggered her mother, while her mind frantically went over everything she said that may have had this reaction on her. But to her surprise, Olivia wasn't staring ahead in fear, she was smiling. She had a longing look in her eyes, and before Savina's head could wander too much about what Olivia was silently reminiscing about, she saw her hand go to her stomach and caress it lovingly. Savina's eyes became the size of the sun at the gesture, and she could feel her heart thudding against her ribs. It had been two months since the attack, it was true he never raped her, but she had just broken up with Cassidy. So, it would make sense that she would have found out now about the baby. She was too horrified to say a word…..heck, she could barely breath.

Olivia finally snapped out of whatever memory she was reliving, and when she looked over to Savina, she saw the horrified expression on her face. "Sweetheart, what is it?" she asked worriedly, and Savina swallowed heavily. "A…..a…..are you…..p…. pregnant?" she stammered, and Olivia was gob-smacked. "What? Why would you say that?" she almost squeaked in surprise. All Savina did was stare down at the hand that Olivia still had over her stomach, and when Olivia looked down, she realized what made Savina jump to that conclusion.

She took her hand away from her stomach, and used it to cup her cheek. "I remembered something when I was pregnant with you, that's why my hand was on my stomach. That bench reminded me of something, that's where I spaced out to," she explained softly, and Savina looked at her questioningly.

_Olivia sat on the bench staring at the water before her, one hand on her stomach, the other holding the black and white picture over her heart. Today was the first sonogram, she got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The doctor showed her the little blip on the monitor that was going to become a full-grown baby inside her. She still couldn't believe it. Her and Henderson weren't serious at all, she had no intention of having his child. Yes, she did want a baby, but not with him. But life threw another curve ball at her, only this time, it was a good one._

_She had met with Jason, and he had signed away any rights to the baby, saying he didn't ever want any kids. And she was fine with that, that way she won't have to keep seeing him and fight with him over how she wanted to do things with the baby. It was true she wanted her baby to have a father, so she wouldn't miss out on something like she did. But she knew that the squad would love being uncles, and hopefully one day she'll find a guy who won't mind becoming the father._

_She sighed audibly, before she pulled the picture back from her heart and looked at it for the millionth time, her eyes filling up with tears like it did every other time._

" _Hi baby," she sniffled. "I can't wait to meet you, to hold you, tell you how much I love you. You're my little surprise, little miracle, and the gift I've always dreamed of. And I will do everything in my power to make sure you never feel like you don't matter to me, or that I got stuck with you, or that you were a mistake. I want you with everything in me, and I will always put you first. I won't be like her, I promise," she took a shaky breath, as she pressed a kiss to the picture._

* * *

It was close to 9 by the time they made it home, they had gone to the movies, walked around the city for some time, bought a few things, before they grabbed dinner and made it home. Olivia was exhausted, she hadn't had such an eventful day in a long time, and her body was making it very clear that it wasn't happy.

"I'm gonna take a bath tonight," she announced, and Savina chuckled. "I'm gonna take along shower too, good thing this place has two bathrooms, since your baths run for about a millennia or so!" she joked, and Olivia jabbed her with the keys in her ribs, making her squeal, since Savina was very ticklish. She glared at her as she retreated to the bathroom, and thankfully enough, Olivia was able to hold back the flood of memories her little stunt awakened. She hadn't meant to, but she jabbed Savina with the key in the same spot Lewis had burned her with one. She stared at her scared torso in the mirror, as her fingers lightly brushed the bumpy skin over said scar. Her mind replaying the horrific moment he pressed the flaming hot key to her skin. But before she could lose herself in the million images her brain flooded with, she heard a knock on the door. She was thankful to whatever reason Savina had for knocking.

"You forgot these, won't be a bath without music!" she said, as she handed her the small speakers with the attached mp3 player. Olivia thanked before closing the door, avoiding the mirror, and quickly stripping. She checked the water that was running, and when she was satisfied, she lowered herself into it, allowing it to relax her aching body, as the aroma candles filled her nostrils with calming scents, and the music coming from the speakers reminding her of a time before Lewis. She held on to those memories as hard as she could, and tried to focus on them rather than the ones of Lewis. Because tonight, she was going to keep him out of her dreams as much as she could. She managed to spend most of the day without thinking about him, and she wanted to make it through the night as well.

* * *

**Terribly sorry for the long wait, but hopefully updates should be more regular now.**

**Reviews are very appreciated :)**

**Thank you for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

“I’m glad you decided to come back. How’ve you been?” Lindstrom asked, as he took his place on the couch. She pursed her lips together, she didn’t want to lie to him. But she honestly didn’t know how to answer that. The case had taken a tole on her, she thought she was ready for the heavy load, but she nearly blew an entire case, and her career along with it. But that case had struck more than one nerve with her. She finally settled on a word that would be a good start to their conversation. “Better.”

Lindstrom nodded in understanding. “That was a tough first case back,” he commented, giving her an in, which she immediately took. “Yeah, it was.”

“Brought back some feelings…” he suggested, and she smiled sadly. “More than you think,” she stated, and he frowned. “Do you want to elaborate?” he wondered, and she settled back into the couch, resting her back against it as her brain flashed back to a very distant memory.

“I knew how the parents felt, I recognized the fear in Kayla’s eyes, and the confusion in the little boy’s. It wasn’t just Lewis, it was another incident that I don’t think I ever really dealt with,” she started, and he nodded encouragingly for her to continue. “Savina’s biological father never wanted her, he wanted me to abort when I told him I was pregnant, and had no problem signing away his parental rights,” she recounted, and Lindstrom didn’t see the connection, but decided to let her finish. “When she was a little over five, he kidnapped her……” she whispered, fighting back tears that she had spent years trying to hide. Truth was, she never really got over Savina’s kidnapping. Like Finn had said, her heart sunk every time she didn’t immediately answer her phone. She still had nightmares about that day, waking up in sweat from them. Her heart felt heavy every time she worked a missing child’s case, took her twice the effort to focus when her brain would immediately take her back to the moment Jason called her and let her know he took her baby and had every intention of hurting her if she didn’t cooperate. “He just wanted to hurt me, his life had gone to hell after we broke up, and for whatever reason he fixated his hate on her. We found her in less than a day, he wasn’t really a mastermind, but that was the longest day of my life. And the more details we uncovered about that case, the more parallels I drew between them,” she continued.

“All three situations were too similar,” he understood, and she nodded. “Not just that. Savina was with Finn in the car that day, she was always closer to him than she ever was to my previous partner,” she started.

“Yeah, I remember you telling me about that,” he remembered.

“I was talking to the Captain about her father – he was killed in the raid – and when I came back she was telling Finn that she told Jason to let her go, because if we found him, he would end up in the hospital,” she finished, and Lindstrom couldn’t help but chuckle. He had seen Savina a couple of times during his first month with Olivia when Savina would come with her. He noticed how defiant she was, the fire in her eyes wasn’t lost on him. So, picturing a five-year-old version of her threatening a grown man was amusing, and it drew a smile on Olivia’s lips. “The faith she had in us, it was unwavering, she was confident we would get to her in time. She was crying when I spoke to her on the phone, but she still had the presence of mind to make a run for it when she got the chance. But she was still very afraid and confused afterwards, she fell asleep in the car, and would jump at any noise. Her sleep was fretful for weeks after that, even though she slept in my room; for both of our sakes.”

“And you can’t help but wonder if Kayla Grayland had that faith about her parents, and how long it took for it to break?” he offered, and she nodded. “I nearly lost mine after two days. She was held captive for nine years, it seems that my suffering pales in comparison to that…..she was just a child.” She confessed tearfully, her tears finally breaking free of her resolve not to let them fall.

“What if a survivor told Detective Olivia Benson that? How would she answer?” he inquired gently.

Olivia smiled tearfully. “I would tell her that people have different breaking points; that there is no objective way of measuring emotional and psychological trauma and pain; that people have different reactions, and they are all normal.”

“You think you failed some sort of a test when Lewis got into your head,” he started, and when she averted her eyes he knew he was on the right track. “You think that you should’ve known better, should’ve seen through his tricks and were better at blocking him out. But you’re forgetting something, Olivia. Children have more resolve and resilience than adults, even when it comes to physical injuries. With the right environment, they can bounce back from trauma. And more over; Kayla and Savina had faith because they hadn’t seen the ugly side of humanity, so holding on to faith was easier for them. You went through a lot, seen a lot, knew all the worse case scenarios that could possibly happen….so it’s only natural that on some level, you started to believe that you weren’t getting out of it alive.”

* * *

 

_Savina was wrapped in the blanket, all bundled up in her arms in the back of the squad car. Finn was sitting next to them talking to Savina, while Elliot stood in the open door to her left, and Munch was pivoted towards them from the passenger seat. Cragen was talking to the head of the SWAT team that had taken down Jason. Savina was drinking from a juice box that the paramedics had brought over, and happily told Olivia that aside from a couple of bruises on her arms from him grabbing her roughly, she was perfectly fine…just a bit shaken up._

_“Liv,” Cragen called from behind Elliot, and she felt Savina jolt slightly in her arms. Finn was quick to assure her, and Olivia turned towards Cragen. “I need to talk to you for a second,” he said, and Savina stiffened slightly. Olivia looked down at her little girl, and saw slight fear creeping into her beautiful brown orbs. “I’m just gonna be a minute, baby. They’ll all stay here with you,” she assured her, her hand_ _stroking her hair soothingly, her other arm tightening around her small frame. She saw Elliot adjust to take her, but Savina leaned towards Finn, who took her without missing a beat. She looked even smaller all balled up against the larger man’s broad chest, but for some reason, that even made Olivia feel safer for her. Finn would rather have every inch of his body broken and shot before he would let something happen to her. They entire squad adored Savina, but she and Finn shared a special bond._

_Cragen took her a bit further away from the car, just out of ear shot, but made sure to keep the five-year-old in Olivia’s line of sight. “What is it, Captain? Don’t tell me the asshole actually wants to talk to me!” she sneered, but he shook his head._

_“No. He was stupid enough to fire at six armed officers, so they took him down. He’s gone!” he informed her, and she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “Good riddance!” was all she said before she headed back towards the car. But Cragen called for her once more. “Liv, we need to know how she got out.” She stopped for a second, before she continued her way._

_“I kept telling him to let me go, so he doesn’t end up really really hurt,” she heard Savina say, and both men chuckled. “You’re absolutely right, baby girl,” Finn cooed softly. Olivia slid into the seat next to her, and reached for Savina’s hand. “Baby, can you tell us how you got out?” she asked softly, and Savina’s entire face drained of blood. She cowered even further into Finn’s arms, and Olivia was shocked that the apprehension she saw in her eyes was directed at her. “Baby, you can tell me, you did nothing wrong,” she assured her, but Savina looked guilty. “Yes, I did,” she whispered, and Olivia frowned. “I climbed some boxes,” she admitted fearfully, and Olivia smiled in relief. She had once found Savina on top of the counter trying to reach a box of cookies, and had told her to never climb things again. But it seemingly saved her life this time. “Oh baby,” she cooed, reaching for the girl, who abandoned the safely of Finn’s arms and flung herself at Olivia. “You did nothing wrong,” she assured her, her mouth buried in her hair as she peppered the side of her head with kisses._

_“Where did you get the boxes?” Elliot asked, and Savina looked at him through her eyelashes. “He had them, they were in the basement on top of each other. A window was open, and I heard cars. I climbed them, wiggled through the window and ran. I heard a loud noise, so I hid behind the big black garbage thing until I saw Finn,” she recounted the best she could, and Olivia had never been more appreciative that her little girl actually went against one of her rules._

That was the story that went through Olivia’s head repeatedly whenever she remembered Lewis; that if Savina hadn’t disobeyed her, she would’ve fallen prey to Lewis. She thanked her lucky stars everyday for whatever came over Savina that day and made her go out despite what she said. It saved her…for the second time in her life…..disobeying Olivia saved Savina’s life.

She was leaning against the room’s doorframe watching Savina as she moved around the matt with Mason. She had returned from Lindstrom’s office a few minutes ago, and heard noises coming from the in-building gym, easily recognizing her daughter’s voice, so she headed for it. She hadn’t expected to find the sight that greeted her. Mason and Savina were both covered in sweat, as she worked hard to block his attacks. She was surprisingly good, too good for this to be a chance session, which led her to realize that Savina had been training for a while, but for whatever reason had decided not to tell her. It was unlike Savina to hide things from her, just like it was not in her nature to disobey her. Her brain was trying to come up with some plausible explanation as to why Savina hid this from her, and it automatically went back to that memory from her kidnap, with the emotions being so raw from her session. She was debating whether to make her presence known or not, when Savina tripped and fell hard on her back, at which point her maternal instincts took over, and she ran over to her before she could stop herself.

“Savina,” she exclaimed, as she dropped to her knees next to her. Savina looked surprised, and Mason was unfazed, making Olivia realize that he probably noticed her presence a while ago, but hadn’t let on. “Are you okay?” she asked worriedly, and Savina nodded. She was panting, her back was hurting from the fall, and her erratic breathing from the exercise wasn’t helping much. After a few moments, she was finally able to push herself off the matt, and sat up. She smiled reassuringly at Olivia, and allowed her to pull her into a hug. “I’m okay, Mom.” She assured her.

* * *

 

As the weeks went by, the cases weren’t slowing down, and Olivia was swamped with both work and hunting for an apartment. Savina had already started school, and she wanted to move before they were too far into the year. The squad were still giving her concerned looks, but they stopped treating her differently. Finn was the only person who hadn’t seemed fazed by any of it at all, and she was very grateful for that. He knew when to support and when to back off.

The other person who surprised her, was Barba. He was the newest member of the squad, and yet he seemed to understand her almost as good as Finn did. He didn’t change his way of dealing with her; he still challenged her when they had different point of views; stuck his ground and didn’t roll over just because of the trauma she went through. She hadn’t confronted Savina about the gym session, and the latter hadn’t brought it up either. She had told Finn about it, and he told her it was probably because Savina didn’t want to worry her.

But there was something else bothering her about Savina, she looked distant, haunted, distracted, and something else that Olivia couldn’t quite place just yet. They were moving around the new apartment, moving the boxes into their designated rooms, and Savina’s head seemed to be anywhere and everywhere at the same time.

“This place seemed bigger when it was empty,” Olivia said, in an attempt to start a conversation.

“We’ll figure it out,” came Savina’s distracted response, as she deposited the box she had by the TV table. Olivia turned around and saw her staring absent mindedly at her phone, before she shoved it back into her pocket, and headed towards another box.

“Honey, are you okay?” she asked, and Savina came back with another box for the kitchen. “Yeah, it’s just something with Diana. Don’t worry about it,” she said dismissively, placing the box on the counter, and started to unpack it. Olivia reached over the counter, and stilled her hand that was removing the packaging from around a wine glass. “I know I have been distracted lately,” Olivia started, and Savina shook her head, opening her mouth about to protest, but Olivia raised her hand to still her. “I was, and I dropped the ball on a few things with you. But you _can_ talk to me about things, you don’t have to keep going through things on your own. You’re allowed to come talk to me,” she soothed, her hand now rubbing circles on the back of her hand.

Savina studied her mother’s dark brown eyes; she saw her need to be there for her. It’s true that she had been shielding her mother from a lot of things in her life lately, thinking that it took away from her worry, but it seemed like she only added to it.

“Diana’s grandmother is stirring up trouble again,” she admitted, and Olivia frowned.

“Why?” she asked, and Savina shrugged, before she started telling her mother about some recent events.

* * *

 

“How was the move?” Lindstrom asked her, and she chuckled. “It was fine, my squad helped us move, and we’re still unpacking,” she answered.

“But….” He pressed.

“Savina seems off. I can’t quite place it, she’s not herself. She’s distant most of the time, distracted, looks exhausted and worried all the time. She says it’s some problem with a friend of hers that’s gotten her preoccupied, but she told me all about it, and it still hasn’t done anything to ease her mind. She’s been like this for a while, but it got worse these past couple of days,” she elaborated.

Lindstrom was quiet for a moment, he knew what had gotten Savina to act like that, but he needed a gentle way of saying it, without Olivia feeling guilty about it all.

“She’s worried,” Lindstrom started, but Olivia frowned in disbelief. “Why? I’m much better now, and she seems worse than when I was recovering at the beginning,” she countered, and Lindstrom smiled.

“You were home, you were safe,” he started, and she still didn’t understand what he was talking about. “Going back to work for her, means that you will be in more danger, the risk of something else like Lewis happening to you is a very viable fear. Lewis came into your home; so, living on the same floor as a former Black op made her feel safer for you. She knew he kept an eye on you, the building was secure. She didn’t have to worry about someone entering your apartment and hurting you, but now all of those fears are overpowering her rational thoughts, and she’s trying to deal with it all, without worrying you at the same time,” he explained.

“So, as I become better, she becomes worse?” she wondered, and he shook his head.

“No, no, it’s not like that. You were worried about her when you first went back to work, and having Mason nearby calmed you down. It’s the same thing with her. Her emotions, fears and worries that were created during those four days are only now becoming very real.”

“But how does that explain the guilt?” she wondered, her voice slightly choked up. And now it was his turn to look confused. “What do you mean guilt?”

“She has this look in her eyes….one that I only saw once before, after her father took her,” she told him, emotions constricting her voice, and he motioned for her to continue. “She had been awfully quiet since I got her back home, but our psychiatrist at the precinct at the time told me it was to be expected. She barely said a word to me, she would just ball up against me and stay quiet most of the day. After a couple of days, I was putting her PJs on for bed when something snapped, and the dams broke. It took me almost half an hour to calm her down enough to tell me what was wrong. All she kept saying was ‘I’m sorry mommy’, and it broke my heart,” she narrated, and he wondered. “What was she sorry for?”

Olivia let her tears fall. “For ruining my life,” she whispered painfully, and Lindstrom was stunned. “Her father told her that if it weren’t for her, I would’ve had a better life than the one I have with her. He told her that she was the one who ruined his life, and that I only took care of her because I had to,” she repeated Savina’s words from almost a decade ago, her hiccups and the pain in her voice still tugging at her heart even after all those years.

“And that’s the same look she has in her eyes these days?” he wondered, and she nodded tearfully.

* * *

 

It had been a long week; the Jolene Castillo case drained her, and now her week started with Tucker waltzing into the squad room and pulling SVU in on a case, with Cassidy as UC out of the people. Savina had swung by that day to pick up the extra set of keys Olivia had made for her, and nearly had a stroke when she saw Cassidy. The tension between them was so palpable that even Tucker commented on it. But in all fairness, Savina was being civil, it was Cassidy who was being an asshole. Apparently still sore about the breakup.

They were all standing around Cragen’s office talking about the case when her phone started vibrating, and she answered it without looking at the screen. Finn was the one looking at her closely, and noticed how she was paling by the second.

“Liv, you okay?” he asked, and that got them all to look at her. Her entire body was shaking, and she couldn’t quite find her voice.

“No, I’m not. Savina collapsed at school, and they took her to the hospital,” she choked out as she headed for the door, without even excusing herself from them.

“I’ll drive!” Finn exclaimed as he chased after her.


End file.
